He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair
The one thing that she couldn't get over about him was the fact that he could read her so well, he understood all that she said when she didn't speak, he knew the language of her eyes, the language of her body, the unspoken language, the language which had no words, the language which didn't have a language. He knew it, understood it. Communicated in it. She had had admirers and she had had men in her life too. She knew she wasn't a success as far as relationships went, she would always find a reason why the man was wrong for her and why the relationship should end, yes she was the one who ended it everytime. She walked out, ditched men, dumped them. She was the woman in control. But she had loved them all. In her own way. They had accused her of being selfish but she didn't mind that.
Raghav's entry into her life had been much like the person he was. Unobtrusive, unremarkable and quiet. He worked at her office. The office she had been working at for 1 year. He had been there all along. Much before she joined. Much before any one she knew joined. She noticed him the time she had gone to the cafe to grab a cup of coffee the day after Matilla had died. Matilla, her pet fish, the keeper of her secrets. She had been up all night. No she had not mourned the death of Matilla. She had mourned the dilution of her secrets.
Somehow the fish with its golden skin had inspired confidence in her like no one had ever before. She felt she could tell her everything and she had. That night when Matilla died she had sat by the window and stared at the night sky. It had been dark, mirroring what she had felt inside.She wanted to sleep but sleep didn't come.
She was wide awake when the sky changed colors and the darkness melted into the reds and then into the blinding bright light of day.
The day in office had been busy but she was still a little unsettled. Her mind was still on her secrets that had died with Matilla. She had walked into the cafe, absent mindedly picked her cup and started back towards her cabin when she realised she had forgotten to pick her wallet from the counter. She turned back and there he had been standing, with his hand out stretched, her wallet in his hand. He looked at her as if he understood why she was absent minded, as if he understood how unsettling it was to have lost all her secrets the night before. As if he understood every dilemma, every confusion, every damn thought that had ever crossed her mind.
And that understanding had been his passport into her life.As he was not like any of the men she had ever dated or had a relationship with. She didn't know much about him, except the bare minimum, which department he worked for and which bike he drove. It was this bike of his for which she had forgone her car so many times. His rugged, rickety bike. So much like him. Puny, malnutritioned.
Thus had started their relationship. It was queer. She didn't think it was friendship. No friendship was not what she could use to describe it. They were not lovers. She had let him into her life and made him a part of it but she didn't know what to call it. Yes he had taken up Matilla's position as the keeper of her secrets but he also did things which Matilla never had. He had always been there when she needed him. He brought her coffee just when she felt the urge for caffeine, he was around to take her anyplace she wanted to go. He got her medicines. He was there, just always there and the thing that she loved about him apart from the fact that he could uncannily understand her was she could be her own selfish self with him. She felt unapologetic when it was always about her. She never asked him much about himself, he didn't volunteer and it suited her fine.
Office gossip did not bother her. Actually gossip never bothered her. She had been rebellious from the very beginning. She had lost her virginity at 13, just the day after her mom had given her an awkward lecture about the birds and the bees. And she had done it just to spite her. She could never take any lecturing of any kind. Lectures on morality, values had always made her do just the opposite. And she had done just that. With her maths tutor. The experience had been unsavory but that's not what she had done it for. She had done it prove that it was she who was in charge of her life and no one told her what to do. And this was the thing she liked about Raghav as well. He never ever told her what to do. Not even when she asked him. At times it irked her but mostly she loved it.
And now when he was gone she realised how many things about him she had really loved. The last time she had seen him was when she had said she wanted to have raju da's kachoris.He had as ususal not commented but she knew he would get them for her. But that evening he wasn't there when she was about to leave office. He didn't keep a mobile phone so she couldn't call him. She had never had the need to call him, he was always there. This was unusual for him but she was not the type to get hassled over people not showing up. She had assumed he was busy somewhere.
As the days passed without any communication from him she started missing him but mostly she missed being herself when he was with her. Unapologetically herself.
She had not liked the fact that it was he who had walked out on her taht was what she attributed his absence to, but more than than that what bothered her was she knew she wouln't find him again. Not him, not a replacement either.
She sometimes wondered why he had left her. She even went to the extent of expecting an explanation but then again that was highly uncharacteristic of her. He had technically not left her. He had just stopped coming to office. She had enquired with the HR and they didn't have a clue. She realised then how very little she had known about him. She started playing the last 8 months in her mind. And she started seeing herself like she never had before and she didn't always like herself there. She started discovering more about him in his absence than when he was there with her. She missed having him around terribly mostly because life was so convenient with him around. She realised that he never drank coffee. He had never eaten chicken, eggs or fish. So he must have been vegetarian. He always wore a jacket. She brooded over the fact that he had indeed changed her in a way no one ever had.Without the power of words. Without even trying. The more she dwelt on her time spent with him the more she kept learning about him and somewhere this had also made her more sensitive now to people around her. She could feel the insouciance in her slowly ebbing. She was changing. Not that she had ever been ashamed of the way she was but she was liking the change becoming her. And all this he had achieved without words. With the language that just he understood, the language of silence.
She had taken his address from the HR and had kept in her wallet, the same one he had held out that day 8 months back. She had it now for 2 weeks and finally she decided to pay him a visit. She had earlier decided against it, thinking it was he who should have told her where and for how long he would be gone but for the first time in her life she swept her ego aside and went to the place where he lived.
It was a nondescript locality and he lived on the third floor. The building reeked of decay and she didn't want to spend any more time here than was necessary. She had already begun regretting her decision to come here.
She knocked on the door of the flat which was supposedly his. She didn't receive any answer. She knocked once more and when there was no reply she turned to go when a lady from the neighboring flat peeped out of her door asking her who she was. She said she had come looking for Raghav. The lady asked her if she knew anyone who could come and take away his belongings from the house. The owner was waiting for someone from his family to show up before throwing his things out.His neighbors obviously knew nothing about where he had worked or what he did for a living, who his family were. She asked why the owner wanted to throw his things and the lady told her that Raghav had died in a bike accident a few weeks back. It was a bad accident, His head had been crushed under the tyres of a truck. She added that they didn't find any wallet or identification papers on him,and funnily enough just a packet of kachoris.
She said she knew nobody from his family. She was not his friend but from a bank he had applied to for a loan. She left immediately from that place. It was getting unbearable to stand there. She headed home but on the way she bought another pet fish, one that looked just like Matilla.
Life is beautiful and short. I just wish I could have as many lives as I liked, I love it too much to live just once.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Dear Time,
I might not often tell you this, but I hope you know how much I value you and cherish your presence in my life.
I know at times I get really mean and curse you for moving too slowly and at others lament the fact that you are flying too fast. Sometimes I crib that I have too much of you on my hands and at others cry that I get so little of you. I know I never seem to be happy with you but I want to tell you today how much I appreciate all that you have done for me. I can't express enough gratitude for helping me forget all those embarrassing memories I would rather not remember, okay not forgetting but atleast taking the sting out of them.
I am really glad how it was you who slowly but surely healed all those wounds which no medicines could heal. I am also happy how you have made me more humbler by constantly changing into the garb of good and bad. I love the way you have set me free from the burdens of the past. I especially like the way you make all problems seem surmountable.
I will probably not give up my complains about you all at once and immediately but I want you to know no matter how unhappy I might seem with you, deep inside I really am grateful for the fact that you are there and can be trusted to do what you do best , that is keep ticking.
Love
Me
I might not often tell you this, but I hope you know how much I value you and cherish your presence in my life.
I know at times I get really mean and curse you for moving too slowly and at others lament the fact that you are flying too fast. Sometimes I crib that I have too much of you on my hands and at others cry that I get so little of you. I know I never seem to be happy with you but I want to tell you today how much I appreciate all that you have done for me. I can't express enough gratitude for helping me forget all those embarrassing memories I would rather not remember, okay not forgetting but atleast taking the sting out of them.
I am really glad how it was you who slowly but surely healed all those wounds which no medicines could heal. I am also happy how you have made me more humbler by constantly changing into the garb of good and bad. I love the way you have set me free from the burdens of the past. I especially like the way you make all problems seem surmountable.
I will probably not give up my complains about you all at once and immediately but I want you to know no matter how unhappy I might seem with you, deep inside I really am grateful for the fact that you are there and can be trusted to do what you do best , that is keep ticking.
Love
Me
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Nothing but the Truth
I grew up believing that saying the truth under all circumstances was not the right thing to do, it was the only thing to do. I was fed on ethics, morality and values and the importance of each of these in our professional and personal lives. I guess it's sort of unwritten rule somewhere that parents and teachers should preach about the virtues of being truthful to children, especially when they are in an impressionable age. My experiences with being truthful leave me feeling a little unsure about preaching that to my children.
I mean well here, I am absolutely sure I will not advocate the advantages of being compulsive liars but yeah I have my reservations about truth.
As a child I tried really hard. But it wasn't my fault. Sometimes being truthful proved to be very expensive. Lying in comparison was cakewalk. and retribution was not always swift and fast and in the long run everything averages out including retribution. Seriously, what's the big deal about being truthful anyways?
Its just being glorified and who can prove that it is better than lying. Lying can be equally or at times more noble:
1. It saves you from trouble
2. Saves you from a lot of sticky situations
3.Spares you from having to give a lot of explanation
4.Helps you salvage things/situations you might have screwed up.
5.Also helps get your friends/family out of trouble
6.Sometimes saying the truth can actually make matters very comlicated
7.Sometimes people are just better of not knowing the truth.
8.And at times it needs a lot of courage to come out with the truth and own up to past mistakes or admit to past wrongs and it is especially hurts bad in these situations when people do not apprecitae your honesty, truthfulness and courage, rather they will go on and make your life miserable because they can't handle the truth or don't like the truth.
I guess I can add a few more points there but I think I have pretty much made the point. I believe that saying the truth is not the brightest idea always. It is ok to lie as long as it is not done with malicious intent. It is not right or wrong but contextual. Surrender to the situation and be your own judge.
I grew up believing that saying the truth under all circumstances was not the right thing to do, it was the only thing to do. I was fed on ethics, morality and values and the importance of each of these in our professional and personal lives. I guess it's sort of unwritten rule somewhere that parents and teachers should preach about the virtues of being truthful to children, especially when they are in an impressionable age. My experiences with being truthful leave me feeling a little unsure about preaching that to my children.
I mean well here, I am absolutely sure I will not advocate the advantages of being compulsive liars but yeah I have my reservations about truth.
As a child I tried really hard. But it wasn't my fault. Sometimes being truthful proved to be very expensive. Lying in comparison was cakewalk. and retribution was not always swift and fast and in the long run everything averages out including retribution. Seriously, what's the big deal about being truthful anyways?
Its just being glorified and who can prove that it is better than lying. Lying can be equally or at times more noble:
1. It saves you from trouble
2. Saves you from a lot of sticky situations
3.Spares you from having to give a lot of explanation
4.Helps you salvage things/situations you might have screwed up.
5.Also helps get your friends/family out of trouble
6.Sometimes saying the truth can actually make matters very comlicated
7.Sometimes people are just better of not knowing the truth.
8.And at times it needs a lot of courage to come out with the truth and own up to past mistakes or admit to past wrongs and it is especially hurts bad in these situations when people do not apprecitae your honesty, truthfulness and courage, rather they will go on and make your life miserable because they can't handle the truth or don't like the truth.
I guess I can add a few more points there but I think I have pretty much made the point. I believe that saying the truth is not the brightest idea always. It is ok to lie as long as it is not done with malicious intent. It is not right or wrong but contextual. Surrender to the situation and be your own judge.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Gossip...
I don't know what's wrong with my settings, not being able to set the heading/title for any of my posts, so doing it the chalu way. (chalu for the uninitiated is the Indian word for stop-gap arrangements). If you have been following my blog for sometime then you will know that a lot of time if I have something interesting to share then I will ramble about it for a few lines (ok not so few) and you know what is coming is fan-wait for it-tastic.
So as a lot of my friends know, I love gossiping and at times bitching,( ok I will save bitching for another day but trust me I would recommend it as the most effective stress buster better than alcohol, dope, better than anything you have ever tried, and some day someone will bend science to prove it!) Anyways coming back to good ol' harmless gossiping. Now without a doubt there can't be two oipnions on this can there? Gossip is a fun thing, and morever I am damn sure the foundations of news,print and electonic media must lie on gossip. Its human nature to be curious about others and other things and I am an advocate of the harmless fun bits your friends sometimes whisper into your ears or you discuss in hush hush tones in groups and I love the feeling when my dahlins are just bursting at the seams coz they have something interesting to tell me. And I love it when I have that can't-wait-a-micro-second-longer-to-tell-you feeling! Its bliss I teeeell you, ranks fifth on my "the best-est feeling to feel" list.
I have been gossiped about a lot in my school college,office,school (have to live upto a certain drama queen image ;) )days and I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me, coz it did, it did affect me, it always gave me a good laugh!
So, coming back to what-I-can't-wait-a-millisecond-longer-to-share find of the day. I was browing through blogs( jokemail.blogspot.com) and I chanced upon this pearly, and you just have to read this. That will give me the satisfaction that I am doing my bit by way of social service ( that thing about laughter being good for health blah) and also spreding gossip about Socrates :D
The Great Socrates
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
I don't know what's wrong with my settings, not being able to set the heading/title for any of my posts, so doing it the chalu way. (chalu for the uninitiated is the Indian word for stop-gap arrangements). If you have been following my blog for sometime then you will know that a lot of time if I have something interesting to share then I will ramble about it for a few lines (ok not so few) and you know what is coming is fan-wait for it-tastic.
So as a lot of my friends know, I love gossiping and at times bitching,( ok I will save bitching for another day but trust me I would recommend it as the most effective stress buster better than alcohol, dope, better than anything you have ever tried, and some day someone will bend science to prove it!) Anyways coming back to good ol' harmless gossiping. Now without a doubt there can't be two oipnions on this can there? Gossip is a fun thing, and morever I am damn sure the foundations of news,print and electonic media must lie on gossip. Its human nature to be curious about others and other things and I am an advocate of the harmless fun bits your friends sometimes whisper into your ears or you discuss in hush hush tones in groups and I love the feeling when my dahlins are just bursting at the seams coz they have something interesting to tell me. And I love it when I have that can't-wait-a-micro-second-longer-to-tell-you feeling! Its bliss I teeeell you, ranks fifth on my "the best-est feeling to feel" list.
I have been gossiped about a lot in my school college,office,school (have to live upto a certain drama queen image ;) )days and I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me, coz it did, it did affect me, it always gave me a good laugh!
So, coming back to what-I-can't-wait-a-millisecond-longer-to-share find of the day. I was browing through blogs( jokemail.blogspot.com) and I chanced upon this pearly, and you just have to read this. That will give me the satisfaction that I am doing my bit by way of social service ( that thing about laughter being good for health blah) and also spreding gossip about Socrates :D
The Great Socrates
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
It wasn't easy. It could never have never been. She knew it. She had known it all along.It was as if she could look into the future and know what was to come. Her sixth sense had always helped her, warned her, prepared her. Just like it did this time. Only this time even after knowing, she was just as helpless as she would have been without the knowledge. She knew she had acted weak. Something her mother would have never approved of but then mother doesn't need to know, she thought. She knew she would loath it when she looked back but right now despite everything her mind told her, she despairingly realized she had absolutely no control over her actions.
Her self-respect had vanished completely. It had gone bit by tiny bit. All under her watchful conscience. She had seen it sneaking away slowly, silently, obtrusively. She had seen it and had been too meek to stop it from leaving. She had let the frivolous side of her take charge. She had let the voice of reason in her head go unheard. Even though she knew that voice was right and she would regret it later on but then at that point of time she felt she could take the misery when it came. She just had to hang on now, for her sake, for her sanity's sake. For the sake of her heart.
How difficult could it possibly be? Wasn't she the one who her friends looked up to because she was never down? 'Cause they said her spirit was reinforced with iron rods. That she was one of those rare strong-back-boned ones. The ones who stood straight even in the storm and came out unscathed. Wasn't she the one they all leaned on? So, it possibly couldn't take her much to rise from this fall cause she knew fall she would. This time it was a sure fall. As sure as it could ever get. And she had done the worst mistake of her life.
She had underestimated Pain. And that had been enough of a gauntlet.
Because fall she did.
On her face, with her body sprawled out. And it burned her too, singed her to the core. Inside out. It hurt so much that for the first time she wished she were not who she was, not living this life she had so dearly loved. Dearly, hungrily, lustily loved. It hurt so bad she couldn't get up. It hurt so bad she didn't want to get up; she knew it would only hurt more. The pain had only just started. It would get worse till it would get so bad that the only thing she could do would be to accept it. And then it would become part of her. Then she would like it even. Maybe. For the first time she felt afraid. No, it was the not the first time she felt afraid. It was the first time she admitted it to herself. She felt afraid, hurt and lonely. Three words which would change her.
Three words which would change her being, the way she thought, the way she looked at others, the way she reacted, the way she acted.
Her smiles would be no more what they had been. Her eyes would no longer mirror emotions like they once had. Even her touch would change. The way she slept, the positions she slept in it would all change.
The person who she had once been would live on inside her only now subdued and humbled by a new person who had been so painstakingly crafted by Pain.
Her self-respect had vanished completely. It had gone bit by tiny bit. All under her watchful conscience. She had seen it sneaking away slowly, silently, obtrusively. She had seen it and had been too meek to stop it from leaving. She had let the frivolous side of her take charge. She had let the voice of reason in her head go unheard. Even though she knew that voice was right and she would regret it later on but then at that point of time she felt she could take the misery when it came. She just had to hang on now, for her sake, for her sanity's sake. For the sake of her heart.
How difficult could it possibly be? Wasn't she the one who her friends looked up to because she was never down? 'Cause they said her spirit was reinforced with iron rods. That she was one of those rare strong-back-boned ones. The ones who stood straight even in the storm and came out unscathed. Wasn't she the one they all leaned on? So, it possibly couldn't take her much to rise from this fall cause she knew fall she would. This time it was a sure fall. As sure as it could ever get. And she had done the worst mistake of her life.
She had underestimated Pain. And that had been enough of a gauntlet.
Because fall she did.
On her face, with her body sprawled out. And it burned her too, singed her to the core. Inside out. It hurt so much that for the first time she wished she were not who she was, not living this life she had so dearly loved. Dearly, hungrily, lustily loved. It hurt so bad she couldn't get up. It hurt so bad she didn't want to get up; she knew it would only hurt more. The pain had only just started. It would get worse till it would get so bad that the only thing she could do would be to accept it. And then it would become part of her. Then she would like it even. Maybe. For the first time she felt afraid. No, it was the not the first time she felt afraid. It was the first time she admitted it to herself. She felt afraid, hurt and lonely. Three words which would change her.
Three words which would change her being, the way she thought, the way she looked at others, the way she reacted, the way she acted.
Her smiles would be no more what they had been. Her eyes would no longer mirror emotions like they once had. Even her touch would change. The way she slept, the positions she slept in it would all change.
The person who she had once been would live on inside her only now subdued and humbled by a new person who had been so painstakingly crafted by Pain.
Words at times seem very meaningless. There have been times in my life when I have found words inadequate, inappropriate and just too shallow. Sometimes words just let you down, they do not come to your rescue when you need them the most. They seem grossly useless, and then you resort to silence. Some other times they are so powerful, they will reduce you to tears, push you into red hot rage, drown you in self pity. Then again they touch you softly yet so strongly that you know you have been marked almost physically, indelibly for the rest of your life. Sometimes they will just hang around in your head, your mind, your ears , your consciousness, subconsciousness as well till you feel you will burst, till you want to put your hand in there and draw them out.
And again these words will engulf you in their warmth and bring a glow to your face and happiness to your soul.
I came across a bunch of words beautifully stringed together in a song. It touched me, I don't know why and as of now I don't care either. I know I found it lovely. Hope you will like it too.
At Last- Etta James
At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last
And again these words will engulf you in their warmth and bring a glow to your face and happiness to your soul.
I came across a bunch of words beautifully stringed together in a song. It touched me, I don't know why and as of now I don't care either. I know I found it lovely. Hope you will like it too.
At Last- Etta James
At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I dream of..
I dream of blue skies
clear and bright
vanilla clouds
lazing around
I dream of a spring
bubling with life
laughing with abandon
yonder, below the rainbow
I dream of a warm hearth
filled with joy and laughter
I dream of a garden
wild roses abloom
I dream of a winter afternoon
warm and delicious
I dream of your head on my lap
and mine on yours
forever...
clear and bright
vanilla clouds
lazing around
I dream of a spring
bubling with life
laughing with abandon
yonder, below the rainbow
I dream of a warm hearth
filled with joy and laughter
I dream of a garden
wild roses abloom
I dream of a winter afternoon
warm and delicious
I dream of your head on my lap
and mine on yours
forever...
Monday, October 25, 2010
43 things about me
1. I often live in some place other than the present and mostly it is some faraway distant future.
2. I visit the past but not much, seldom to be precise. Sometimes some happy memories do trigger a sojourn into the past and sometime some not so happy ones.
3. When I was a kid I used to live in the present but a present that was very different than the one I would be in.
4. I was quite a lost child. I think I have carried that trait to my youth as well ;).
5. I used to read a lot. A bookworm. Still try to do, though not as much as but reading still is a first love.
6. I have the reading genes from both mom and dad.
7. I was an indoorsy kid, never much out and about, partly coz I was diagnosed with asthma very early on at 8 years of age.
8. I would be sitting in some corner of my own room, I wasn’t much fond of the bed and reading away.
9. I used to finish reading books at an alarming pace and would soon bug my parents to buy me more. Still do the former.
10. I got into bartering books in school, reading up books from the library whenever I could. All this reading led to a lot of day dreaming or so I believe.
11. Kid me would always be playing different situations and stories in my mind, and of course I would be the lead protagonist in all of these plots. Some of the plots were pretty elaborate.
12. Also I was very happy in my own fantasy world. This is not to say that I wasn’t friendly or popular but yes I had realized that I preferred my own company to that of others from a very young age.
13. Thankfully for me my parents let me be except the occasional push to socialize.
14. I found socializing a big burden even then.
15. I saw no point in being nice to people and smiling and making small talk when I could spend that time reading books, writing(yes I used to scribble lots of things by way of creative writing then too) or yes watching tv and day dreaming. These were my favorite pastimes.
16. The first thing that I wanted to be when I was young was a teacher. I really liked my teacher then.
17. I have always been a teacher’s pet and sometimes the affection was mutual.
18. Other kids hated me for being the teacher’s pet. And I loved being hated
19. I still hold 2 sayings 2 of my teachers, at different points of time, had said to me very close to my heart.
20. The next thing I wanted to be was neuro surgeon or “brain surgeon” as I thought then. I have no clue why.
21. Sometime between 6-10 years of age I also wanted to be a writer. Still hold that desire somewhere deep in my heart.
22. My life was not uncomplicated though. My kiddy life was very happening. I always had a lot of performance pressure in terms of academics and I was also very competitive by nature.
23. Dad was more interested in my doing well in extra-currics. And I used to excel in that too. I have a ton of certificates to show for my efforts in my school life.
24. I grew up idolizing dad. Still do. Papa - you are my hero.
25. My mom was the biggest influence on me in my early life and I know a lot of me is her. Though it took me lot of time to realize that.
26. I call her twice everyday atleast. My day is incomplete if we haven’t talked.
27. My sister was my pillar of strength all through my childhood. She used to dote on me. I bullied her in return.
28. I was brought up like a single child. My sister lived with my grandparents.
29. She used to visit us during school vacations. We fought like crazy.
30. The worst fights were when she moved in with us when I was 17, she was a year older. But looking back, I couldn’t have done without her. Ever. Period.
31. This list suddenly doesn’t seem chronological. But what the heck, I didn’t mean it to be anyways.
33. I have changed a lot as a person from my childhood, to my teens, to my youth to whatever phase it is that a 28 year old belongs now.
34. I used to fiercely independent as a child, as a teen, as a gangly young adult, but now I am totally dependent on the apple of my eyes, my husband for emotional support.
35. I still think I don’t say it enough to him. So here goes – I love you… more
36. I don’t know why this list reads like a life story. I didn’t intend it to be.
37. I moved around a lot as a kid.
38. The initial days used to be very difficult. But I was never afraid of change. I always used to look forward to it. Still do.
39. My illness(asthma) was a very convenient excuse for me not to participate in games and sports. However I was a tremendous sport. Always used to stand in for absentees on the field.
40. I won the badminton girls double champions in the eighth grade.
41. I also am lazy to the bone. And lose interest very quickly in people, places and things.
42. I have learnt classical dance-Odissi for two years. I say that I couldn’t continue coz Dad got transferred but the fact is I found it very tiring and after coming back from classes I would feign headaches so mom got worried and had me discontinue them
43. The idea of putting together such a list is not original. I saw this in a blog I follow. I liked the style, but the content is original.
2. I visit the past but not much, seldom to be precise. Sometimes some happy memories do trigger a sojourn into the past and sometime some not so happy ones.
3. When I was a kid I used to live in the present but a present that was very different than the one I would be in.
4. I was quite a lost child. I think I have carried that trait to my youth as well ;).
5. I used to read a lot. A bookworm. Still try to do, though not as much as but reading still is a first love.
6. I have the reading genes from both mom and dad.
7. I was an indoorsy kid, never much out and about, partly coz I was diagnosed with asthma very early on at 8 years of age.
8. I would be sitting in some corner of my own room, I wasn’t much fond of the bed and reading away.
9. I used to finish reading books at an alarming pace and would soon bug my parents to buy me more. Still do the former.
10. I got into bartering books in school, reading up books from the library whenever I could. All this reading led to a lot of day dreaming or so I believe.
11. Kid me would always be playing different situations and stories in my mind, and of course I would be the lead protagonist in all of these plots. Some of the plots were pretty elaborate.
12. Also I was very happy in my own fantasy world. This is not to say that I wasn’t friendly or popular but yes I had realized that I preferred my own company to that of others from a very young age.
13. Thankfully for me my parents let me be except the occasional push to socialize.
14. I found socializing a big burden even then.
15. I saw no point in being nice to people and smiling and making small talk when I could spend that time reading books, writing(yes I used to scribble lots of things by way of creative writing then too) or yes watching tv and day dreaming. These were my favorite pastimes.
16. The first thing that I wanted to be when I was young was a teacher. I really liked my teacher then.
17. I have always been a teacher’s pet and sometimes the affection was mutual.
18. Other kids hated me for being the teacher’s pet. And I loved being hated
19. I still hold 2 sayings 2 of my teachers, at different points of time, had said to me very close to my heart.
20. The next thing I wanted to be was neuro surgeon or “brain surgeon” as I thought then. I have no clue why.
21. Sometime between 6-10 years of age I also wanted to be a writer. Still hold that desire somewhere deep in my heart.
22. My life was not uncomplicated though. My kiddy life was very happening. I always had a lot of performance pressure in terms of academics and I was also very competitive by nature.
23. Dad was more interested in my doing well in extra-currics. And I used to excel in that too. I have a ton of certificates to show for my efforts in my school life.
24. I grew up idolizing dad. Still do. Papa - you are my hero.
25. My mom was the biggest influence on me in my early life and I know a lot of me is her. Though it took me lot of time to realize that.
26. I call her twice everyday atleast. My day is incomplete if we haven’t talked.
27. My sister was my pillar of strength all through my childhood. She used to dote on me. I bullied her in return.
28. I was brought up like a single child. My sister lived with my grandparents.
29. She used to visit us during school vacations. We fought like crazy.
30. The worst fights were when she moved in with us when I was 17, she was a year older. But looking back, I couldn’t have done without her. Ever. Period.
31. This list suddenly doesn’t seem chronological. But what the heck, I didn’t mean it to be anyways.
33. I have changed a lot as a person from my childhood, to my teens, to my youth to whatever phase it is that a 28 year old belongs now.
34. I used to fiercely independent as a child, as a teen, as a gangly young adult, but now I am totally dependent on the apple of my eyes, my husband for emotional support.
35. I still think I don’t say it enough to him. So here goes – I love you… more
36. I don’t know why this list reads like a life story. I didn’t intend it to be.
37. I moved around a lot as a kid.
38. The initial days used to be very difficult. But I was never afraid of change. I always used to look forward to it. Still do.
39. My illness(asthma) was a very convenient excuse for me not to participate in games and sports. However I was a tremendous sport. Always used to stand in for absentees on the field.
40. I won the badminton girls double champions in the eighth grade.
41. I also am lazy to the bone. And lose interest very quickly in people, places and things.
42. I have learnt classical dance-Odissi for two years. I say that I couldn’t continue coz Dad got transferred but the fact is I found it very tiring and after coming back from classes I would feign headaches so mom got worried and had me discontinue them
43. The idea of putting together such a list is not original. I saw this in a blog I follow. I liked the style, but the content is original.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Jhootha Hi Sahi - Review
Everytime I see a movie and I feel strongly about it I want to put my feelings to words. Caught “Jhootha hi sahi” today and must say really liked it. IMHO, it’s John’s best performance till date. For the first time the focus is not on his brawn and he shows that there is more to him than his beefy body. He plays the character of the simple lying, bumbling, stammering lover boy to the hilt and very very convincingly. Pakhi is also a refreshing change. Her charm lies in her being attractive and charming but not with an incredibly gorgeous model-like body. She looks very real and acts well too. Considering it’s her first movie. The other characters also make for very interesting watch and for the first time gay relationships have been portrayed on screen in a subtle and sombre fashion. The parallel stories of Aliya-Nick, Omar-Kruttika add just enough spice to keep the flavour savoury. The ending is a typical filmy ending with our Clark Kent turning into a Superman, but common, you gotta give it to them, a film has to have a filmy ending rite? On the whole a very balanced and neat movie and a very good watch. I had good fun especially when I had almost started believing that I am jinxed coz every movie I watched at the theatre turned out to be a dud [with a few exceptions of course notably Dabangg ;) ;) ]. Anyways go watch it people and let me know how you all found it.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Her Royal Gypsyness
Me and my gypsy life. Oft I have thought that had I not been around and about so much in my childhood, I wouldn't have grown up to be so restless in my youth. Well, I can never know for for sure. Our circumstances do mould us to a large extent. Our character is not just defined by the genetic code, our surroundings, the people we meet, the places we see, the books we read, all play a huge part.
I have taken to rambling after a long time. And it is primarily because Hyderabad, the dry, parched Hyderabad has completely dried up my creative juices, leaving me no choice but to ramble. Something that I love doing anyways. At times my heart revolts to all the order and schema that my mind tries and imposes on it. My foolish,rogue,vagabond heart. It just wants to be what it is, full of imperfections, full of its own prejudices and notions, and ofcourse full of its follies.
And there is something funny about life as well, particularly my own. Good that I have a self professed evolved sense of humor to appreciate it. but truth is I kinda like the jokes.
I am still upto the challenges of Life or so I like to believe. Hungry for it. Greedy almost. Lustily waiting for life to unfold. And enjoying the journey there in. Full of discoveries about life, self and world. Full of unexpected twists and turns, spices and condiments. But most of all I just love the self-realizations. There is something acutely satisfying about getting to know the person deep within you better. The one person who will be with you 24*7 till you are through with this journey. The comfort increases bit by bit as you know more and more about yourself. You become better aware of your strengths, your weaknesses, your quirks and everything else. I am loving it now and also loving how I feel I am far from knowing myself completely. That is the best part. You know the interesting book you got your hands on is not yet over and will not be for a long time to come.
What am I doing in the middle of an especially busy day rambling? Well its the exceptionally busy days which make me want to ramble, I wanna go on some more but the irritating phone has been ringing incessantly for sometime now.
Have to get back to earning my marmalade, kinda tired of the butter from sometime now.
So long.
I have taken to rambling after a long time. And it is primarily because Hyderabad, the dry, parched Hyderabad has completely dried up my creative juices, leaving me no choice but to ramble. Something that I love doing anyways. At times my heart revolts to all the order and schema that my mind tries and imposes on it. My foolish,rogue,vagabond heart. It just wants to be what it is, full of imperfections, full of its own prejudices and notions, and ofcourse full of its follies.
And there is something funny about life as well, particularly my own. Good that I have a self professed evolved sense of humor to appreciate it. but truth is I kinda like the jokes.
I am still upto the challenges of Life or so I like to believe. Hungry for it. Greedy almost. Lustily waiting for life to unfold. And enjoying the journey there in. Full of discoveries about life, self and world. Full of unexpected twists and turns, spices and condiments. But most of all I just love the self-realizations. There is something acutely satisfying about getting to know the person deep within you better. The one person who will be with you 24*7 till you are through with this journey. The comfort increases bit by bit as you know more and more about yourself. You become better aware of your strengths, your weaknesses, your quirks and everything else. I am loving it now and also loving how I feel I am far from knowing myself completely. That is the best part. You know the interesting book you got your hands on is not yet over and will not be for a long time to come.
What am I doing in the middle of an especially busy day rambling? Well its the exceptionally busy days which make me want to ramble, I wanna go on some more but the irritating phone has been ringing incessantly for sometime now.
Have to get back to earning my marmalade, kinda tired of the butter from sometime now.
So long.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The saga continues...
There have been so many times, I have thought that this is seriously not going to work out. At times I feel I am just letting myself into something which does not have equal involvement from both the sides. I have felt the stakes on my side to be higher. Then I have tried to consciously bring myself back from that state and into neutral ground where an impending break up wouldn't crush me. Maybe I have been too scared to bare my heart and put it at someone else's mercy. So despite all the vehement opposition from my heart I have done what I could to protect it. To save it from misery. And moreso when I was so highly unsure of what this meant to her. Whether this really meant anything to her more than a casual fling. And all these times when I have felt that she probably couldn't care less, she has done something to prove me wrong and put my fears to rest and make me go nuts about her again.
After a brief interlude of 5 months I had to pack my bags and shift base to Hyderabad. The last few days were terribly crazy with lots of loose ends to tie up. I got busy with the boring chores and tasks and hardly had nay time to dwell on the separation and what this meant for our relationship. However on my last day surprisingly I had finished packing and had an evening to myself. That was when I started thinking that she had been so apathetic for the past few days. The more I thought of it, the more I got convinced that maybe moving out of town was a good idea. Maybe putting physical space between us is the right thing to do, maybe this is the beginning of the end. I agreed when a friend of mine asked me out for dinner. I went along. I had a nice time. It was an evening well spent and by the time I was ready to come back home, my mind was totally off her. And that is when it happened. When we stepped out of the restaurant, we were greeted by wet streets and a jolly good shower. I had never before been drenched in rain, having been scared of it since my childhood. Numerous times friends had tried to trick me into walking into a drizzle or a douwnpour but I had always managed to escape. No matter what people said about it being fun, I held my ground. But today since I had to get back early as I had an early morning flight to catch and none of us had an umbrella, so I thought what the heck, let's brave it. We started walking in the downpour, getting drennched and surprisingly it felt nice. Refreshing and alive. It was like a treat after the sultry day. And that is when I realised that this is what Mumbai does, springs surprises on you. And yes I knew she was thinking of me. Just when I had started to distance myself from her, she went ahead and literally soaked me again in her spunk.Took away one of my worst fears and turned it into a fun experience for me. I couldn't help but realising that this was nowhere near its end, this was just another one of our sparrings with a delightful ending and no matter what, we were still a pair, Mumbai and I.
After a brief interlude of 5 months I had to pack my bags and shift base to Hyderabad. The last few days were terribly crazy with lots of loose ends to tie up. I got busy with the boring chores and tasks and hardly had nay time to dwell on the separation and what this meant for our relationship. However on my last day surprisingly I had finished packing and had an evening to myself. That was when I started thinking that she had been so apathetic for the past few days. The more I thought of it, the more I got convinced that maybe moving out of town was a good idea. Maybe putting physical space between us is the right thing to do, maybe this is the beginning of the end. I agreed when a friend of mine asked me out for dinner. I went along. I had a nice time. It was an evening well spent and by the time I was ready to come back home, my mind was totally off her. And that is when it happened. When we stepped out of the restaurant, we were greeted by wet streets and a jolly good shower. I had never before been drenched in rain, having been scared of it since my childhood. Numerous times friends had tried to trick me into walking into a drizzle or a douwnpour but I had always managed to escape. No matter what people said about it being fun, I held my ground. But today since I had to get back early as I had an early morning flight to catch and none of us had an umbrella, so I thought what the heck, let's brave it. We started walking in the downpour, getting drennched and surprisingly it felt nice. Refreshing and alive. It was like a treat after the sultry day. And that is when I realised that this is what Mumbai does, springs surprises on you. And yes I knew she was thinking of me. Just when I had started to distance myself from her, she went ahead and literally soaked me again in her spunk.Took away one of my worst fears and turned it into a fun experience for me. I couldn't help but realising that this was nowhere near its end, this was just another one of our sparrings with a delightful ending and no matter what, we were still a pair, Mumbai and I.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Just Another Love Story
The first time I saw her, I fell in love or at least I thought I did. I was with her for three days, three whole mad days. Three days in which she had touched me in a way no one before ever had. Three days when she had taken me into her stride and accepted me as her own and shown me how big her heart really was. Three days were all it took for me to form a romantic image about her in my heart, give her a high pedestal, think of her as the flawless goddess only love laden eyes can see. Everything about her I found fascinating. I found the beat of her heart exciting. I found a nervous energy about her which fascinated me. Most of all I think I was head over heel about her spirit and her spunk. I had heard a lot about her, even read quite a bit, but nothing could describe how effortlessly and in how short a time she had captured my heart, made me her slave. Some had said she was ugly outside, maybe I had seen her inner beauty, but frankly, I didn’t care. When I left her that night to catch my flight back home, I made a solemn promise to myself that I will come back no matter what and claim you to be my own. Needless to say the dalliance started occupying less and less mindspace as time passed but in my heart’s canvas she remain etched like the way I had first seen her, gorgeous. And most importantly like the honorable lover I had not forgotten my promise. I came across others too during those years after meeting her, and I must say that I did like one of them enough to want to stay for a little longer than I usually did but somehow none of them seemed to be the same as my secret sweetheart. I still got to hear about her from friends, acquaintances and every time I heard, there was a funny feeling in my heart. Destiny had brought us together for those three days in May 2007 and I trusted destiny to find a way to quench the longing of my besotted heart. And this time destiny didn’t disappoint me. After three years destiny threw me a gauntlet and dared me to take it up. In these last three years a lot of water had passed under the bridge and a lot of things had changed. I was apprehensive, anxious and scared even, what if she was just a dream. What if she was only ordinary and the flush of young love had deified her in my eyes. What if? There were a million of these ifs which clouded my mind but despite all the ifs I still looked forward to meet her. Eagerly, expectantly. Those dreams of idle Sunday mornings and busy Tuesday evenings came back and danced in front of my eyes. I felt like a teenager again. I went about my work with twice the usual grit to take my mind off her and slowly the days rolled by till the day I had marked in my calendar arrived. I was fidgety and restless that day. I had funny feeling not only in my heart but also in my tummy, in my throat, everywhere. I couldn’t wait for the few hours to pass when I would see her again. The hours went by painfully and I finally set eyes on her again.
I couldn’t understand at first what I was feeling. I was confused. I was finding it hard to believe my own feelings. There was none of that elation, that ecstasy that I had expected. There was a nothingness at first and then finally a feeling of disappointment set in. I was disappointed with myself. I was disappointed that I didn’t feel the same. I found it beyond comprehension that the world of perfect romance I had built in my mind around her had come to this. I felt nothing of all that I had felt all those years ago. I was no longer fascinated by all those things which had made me romanticize my feelings for her in my mind during those three years when I had lived away from her. This was my perfect love story coming to a disappointing end. Now that the veil of romance had mysteriously been lifted, I could really see her for what she was. All her flaws now got magnified in front of my eyes. I could see that she was old, grimy, loud and ugly. All of a sudden all of this overpowered me and I felt totally dejected and lost. I tried hard to get along with life as it were but it was getting more and more difficult with my dream world having recently crumbled around me. I no longer knew what to perceive of things, what to believe, and now a days I was finding it very difficult to trust my feelings.
But one thing was getting clear to me as the days were passing by; my dislike for her was increasing by the day. And the current situation was getting more uncomfortable for me with each passing day. I had to do something. I had to release myself from the web my own mind had spun. I had to release myself and find peace again. Friends were curious, family was concerned and I was well, dejected, disappointed and confused, all at the same time.
Life never stops. Hearts break, illusions shatter, the world may come crumbling down around you, but life goes on. And as they say time is the best healer. No my heart here had not been exactly broken; the romantic in me had taken a beating at the turn of events. The cynic had started to slowly raise its head and I was not happy with any of these developments.
As the days passed one of my friends came visiting me. I was excited about his visit, Vishal was one of my closest buddies and I was looking forward to his visit. I tried to wrap up my work and keep my weekend as free as possible, given that I had to work on Saturdays and having started living alone, the best part of my Sunday went in numerous household chores, the bonds of domesticity are not only mundane but also very time consuming. The week whizzed by and finally I met him on Saturday. He was very excited at meeting me and when we sat down with steaming hot cups of chai and vada pav at the neighborhood eatery, he told me this was doubly exciting for him as he too would get to finally see what the fuss I had created all those years back was about. I looked at him and smiled. I was in a bright mood today and didn’t want to get into the saga of my disillusionment and also I wanted him to form his opinion without any help from me.
We decided to go around the city in the evening. Our first stop was Juhu, followed by Bandstand. The two places he was the most excited about seeing. We took a long time leaving my pad, as it happens; old friends catching up after a long time lose track of time and both of us being the quintessential chatterboxes. We reached Juhu around 9pm and sat down by the sea and talked some more, about how life had shaped up since we last met. How innocent were the dreams we had once seen and how we had traversed along the way. All this while we had a constant companion, the ever present and ever restless vast expanse of emotions, the Arabian Sea. It was in a very joyous mood today or so I thought. It kept hungrily lapping up. As if it wanted to come rushing to meet its long lost friend. It had the enthusiasm of a six year old rushing to get its new toy. Something about its relentlessness, the sound of mirth in its waves and the hungry passion to live life rubbed onto me. I was fascinated by its never ceasing activity and its verve. I felt drawn towards it. I wanted to lie down and listen to all the stories it carried in its heart. Listen to all that it wanted to say and more importantly let it into the inner precincts of my private world. It seemed as if it badly wanted to come in and stay for good. As if it wanted to tell me, let me in and we will explore a wonderful journey together. I was snapped out of my reverie by a shove from Vishal, he was miffed at me having lapsed into another world of my own. We got up, it was pretty late in the night, almost nearing 1am. We looked around, there were not many people about, but the beach was still brightly lit and the sea had crept up a considerable distance. Naughty and boisterous. Laughing and mocking us in a childlike playful way.
We took an auto back. The roads were crowded even at this time of the night. Filled with gaiety and life. People went about their lives, living it. My friend kept saying how lively is this city, does it ever get tired of being so alive all the time? I looked at him and mulled over his question, did it get tired? I don’t know but it strangely quieted my nerves a lot that time.
The next day after a lazy day at home we ventured to bandstand towards late afternoon. Vishal was as usual jumping up and down with joy at finally getting a chance to steal a look at Shahrukh’s bunglow. If he had looked that sincerely for nirvana I think he would have found it. It was my first time at bandstand too. The rocks were slippery and very timidly we started inching closer towards the sea one slippery rock at a time. I was still afraid of going any further, the same naughty and childlike sea seemed very mature and powerful today. It was not trying to creep up, it was beating against the rocks with the all its pride and haughtiness. Just then I saw a group of small boys playing at the very edge of the rocky bed. They must have been around 10-11 years of age. There were three of them, I could make out they had to work to earn their bread and were not amongst the privileged few for whom the biggest worry in childhood was class work and not an empty stomach. One of them took out a small wad of notes, 1 rupee, 10 rupee notes and put it inside a polythene wrapper and gave it to his friend. Then he went about getting splashed in the waves. He welcomed it with gay abandon that only a young mind of 10 is capable of. Soon his friend who looked to be a little less adventurous than him also joined him and they got engaged in a play of venturing out onto the sea, getting drenched by the waves, falling down and then getting up again. It was as if the mighty sea was humoring these little kids with fun and frolic to ease their daily drudgery. I had been observing them for quite some time and had not realized that a smile was playing on my lips. The timid kid looked back at me, smiled and patted the stone right next to where he was now sitting, right at the mouth of the sea. He could sense I was scared and he held my gaze with that smile. I do not know what happened then, whether I gave in to my impulse, the call of the child or the pull of the mighty sea, I marched right ahead, forgot about my fear of water and sat beside those kids and just then a huge wave came crashing down. Before the impact of what I had done sank in, I suddenly realized that Mumbai indeed had that spirit and that recklessness and that hunger for life and that fearlessness to face life’s challenges no matter what shape and size they came in. That was when I knew, my instincts about her had never been wrong. She had captured my heart when all those years ago I had come to stay in Mumbai for three days and had fallen hopelessly and madly in love with her. My disillusionment with her was not because she was not beautiful; my disillusionment was because I was not willing to take the pain to look beyond the obvious.
That was the instant when I had that tingling feeling one has at the onset of a romantic relationship. I knew it would have its share of problems , I knew there would be times when I would be angry with her, frustrated, think it was all a mistake, cry myself to sleep at night. But I also knew that this was the beginning of a love affair that would last a life time. A beautiful journey we would take together. Mumbai and I.
I couldn’t understand at first what I was feeling. I was confused. I was finding it hard to believe my own feelings. There was none of that elation, that ecstasy that I had expected. There was a nothingness at first and then finally a feeling of disappointment set in. I was disappointed with myself. I was disappointed that I didn’t feel the same. I found it beyond comprehension that the world of perfect romance I had built in my mind around her had come to this. I felt nothing of all that I had felt all those years ago. I was no longer fascinated by all those things which had made me romanticize my feelings for her in my mind during those three years when I had lived away from her. This was my perfect love story coming to a disappointing end. Now that the veil of romance had mysteriously been lifted, I could really see her for what she was. All her flaws now got magnified in front of my eyes. I could see that she was old, grimy, loud and ugly. All of a sudden all of this overpowered me and I felt totally dejected and lost. I tried hard to get along with life as it were but it was getting more and more difficult with my dream world having recently crumbled around me. I no longer knew what to perceive of things, what to believe, and now a days I was finding it very difficult to trust my feelings.
But one thing was getting clear to me as the days were passing by; my dislike for her was increasing by the day. And the current situation was getting more uncomfortable for me with each passing day. I had to do something. I had to release myself from the web my own mind had spun. I had to release myself and find peace again. Friends were curious, family was concerned and I was well, dejected, disappointed and confused, all at the same time.
Life never stops. Hearts break, illusions shatter, the world may come crumbling down around you, but life goes on. And as they say time is the best healer. No my heart here had not been exactly broken; the romantic in me had taken a beating at the turn of events. The cynic had started to slowly raise its head and I was not happy with any of these developments.
As the days passed one of my friends came visiting me. I was excited about his visit, Vishal was one of my closest buddies and I was looking forward to his visit. I tried to wrap up my work and keep my weekend as free as possible, given that I had to work on Saturdays and having started living alone, the best part of my Sunday went in numerous household chores, the bonds of domesticity are not only mundane but also very time consuming. The week whizzed by and finally I met him on Saturday. He was very excited at meeting me and when we sat down with steaming hot cups of chai and vada pav at the neighborhood eatery, he told me this was doubly exciting for him as he too would get to finally see what the fuss I had created all those years back was about. I looked at him and smiled. I was in a bright mood today and didn’t want to get into the saga of my disillusionment and also I wanted him to form his opinion without any help from me.
We decided to go around the city in the evening. Our first stop was Juhu, followed by Bandstand. The two places he was the most excited about seeing. We took a long time leaving my pad, as it happens; old friends catching up after a long time lose track of time and both of us being the quintessential chatterboxes. We reached Juhu around 9pm and sat down by the sea and talked some more, about how life had shaped up since we last met. How innocent were the dreams we had once seen and how we had traversed along the way. All this while we had a constant companion, the ever present and ever restless vast expanse of emotions, the Arabian Sea. It was in a very joyous mood today or so I thought. It kept hungrily lapping up. As if it wanted to come rushing to meet its long lost friend. It had the enthusiasm of a six year old rushing to get its new toy. Something about its relentlessness, the sound of mirth in its waves and the hungry passion to live life rubbed onto me. I was fascinated by its never ceasing activity and its verve. I felt drawn towards it. I wanted to lie down and listen to all the stories it carried in its heart. Listen to all that it wanted to say and more importantly let it into the inner precincts of my private world. It seemed as if it badly wanted to come in and stay for good. As if it wanted to tell me, let me in and we will explore a wonderful journey together. I was snapped out of my reverie by a shove from Vishal, he was miffed at me having lapsed into another world of my own. We got up, it was pretty late in the night, almost nearing 1am. We looked around, there were not many people about, but the beach was still brightly lit and the sea had crept up a considerable distance. Naughty and boisterous. Laughing and mocking us in a childlike playful way.
We took an auto back. The roads were crowded even at this time of the night. Filled with gaiety and life. People went about their lives, living it. My friend kept saying how lively is this city, does it ever get tired of being so alive all the time? I looked at him and mulled over his question, did it get tired? I don’t know but it strangely quieted my nerves a lot that time.
The next day after a lazy day at home we ventured to bandstand towards late afternoon. Vishal was as usual jumping up and down with joy at finally getting a chance to steal a look at Shahrukh’s bunglow. If he had looked that sincerely for nirvana I think he would have found it. It was my first time at bandstand too. The rocks were slippery and very timidly we started inching closer towards the sea one slippery rock at a time. I was still afraid of going any further, the same naughty and childlike sea seemed very mature and powerful today. It was not trying to creep up, it was beating against the rocks with the all its pride and haughtiness. Just then I saw a group of small boys playing at the very edge of the rocky bed. They must have been around 10-11 years of age. There were three of them, I could make out they had to work to earn their bread and were not amongst the privileged few for whom the biggest worry in childhood was class work and not an empty stomach. One of them took out a small wad of notes, 1 rupee, 10 rupee notes and put it inside a polythene wrapper and gave it to his friend. Then he went about getting splashed in the waves. He welcomed it with gay abandon that only a young mind of 10 is capable of. Soon his friend who looked to be a little less adventurous than him also joined him and they got engaged in a play of venturing out onto the sea, getting drenched by the waves, falling down and then getting up again. It was as if the mighty sea was humoring these little kids with fun and frolic to ease their daily drudgery. I had been observing them for quite some time and had not realized that a smile was playing on my lips. The timid kid looked back at me, smiled and patted the stone right next to where he was now sitting, right at the mouth of the sea. He could sense I was scared and he held my gaze with that smile. I do not know what happened then, whether I gave in to my impulse, the call of the child or the pull of the mighty sea, I marched right ahead, forgot about my fear of water and sat beside those kids and just then a huge wave came crashing down. Before the impact of what I had done sank in, I suddenly realized that Mumbai indeed had that spirit and that recklessness and that hunger for life and that fearlessness to face life’s challenges no matter what shape and size they came in. That was when I knew, my instincts about her had never been wrong. She had captured my heart when all those years ago I had come to stay in Mumbai for three days and had fallen hopelessly and madly in love with her. My disillusionment with her was not because she was not beautiful; my disillusionment was because I was not willing to take the pain to look beyond the obvious.
That was the instant when I had that tingling feeling one has at the onset of a romantic relationship. I knew it would have its share of problems , I knew there would be times when I would be angry with her, frustrated, think it was all a mistake, cry myself to sleep at night. But I also knew that this was the beginning of a love affair that would last a life time. A beautiful journey we would take together. Mumbai and I.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Taramoni
I sat on the sofa with my legs dangling from a side, sipping my morning cuppa. I was skimming through the newspaper while waiting for my sister to wake up. Today was the last day of my vacation and I was sad both at the prospect of going away from Bagdogra as well as getting back into the mad hustle bustle of Mumbai. Much as I liked the pace of of the city , once out of it and into a sleepy , lazy world had numbed my senses, wanted this haze to last for some more time, but that was not to be, a girl has to work to earn her bread and you gotta do what you gotta do. Taramoni sat on the floor peeling potatoes to make alu paranthas for my breakfast. Taramoni was the domestic help but was more of a motherly figure, having taken complete charge of the household chores. My sis and jij called her amma and so did I. After leafing through all the pages, which appeared to me to be very few, of the Telegraph, I was listlessly looking out of the balcony into the lush green lawns, the greens looked lovely with light sunshine enveloping it. "How is Mumbai city choto di?" Taramoni asked me all of a sudden. I jumped out of my reverie and for once I was at a loss for words as to how to describe Mumbai to her. I tried to get a reference of the places she had been so that I could explain it to her in terms she would understand. I asked her "Where all have you been amma?". Nowhere much, I came to Siliguri after my marriage when I was 16years and have pretty much staye dhere all my life." "you mean you never stepped out of this place all these years?", "No, I went back to my village twice","Only twice? Why?", "Its a looong story choto di" she said and gave me sardonic smile. There was a farway look in her eyes and somewhere I guess was a lot of forgotten pain that peeked out. I pressed her to tell me, thinking this will fill my time till sis woke up. She said she was born to a poor farmer and was the youngest among three daughters, there being a lot of difference between the ages of the older two and her. Her mother died during her birth and her father followed suit when she was just 4. She went to live with her eldest sister, who was married into a family with a little plot of land so that they were relatively better off than how her father had been. Her sister doted on her and gave her off to marriage to a local youth from the village who worked in Siliguri as a laborer at construction sites. She was very happy with her the prospect of getting married to Shyam, her husband as he was one of the village's most eligible bachelors. He walked with a swagger and was proud of his looks. He kept himself well groomed all the time and was known as a nice guy, not one leering away at the young village belles like others of his tribe. Taramoni got married in a simple ceremony and came to Siliguri with stars in her eyes. Young though she was, she was very keen to finally have a home she could call her own and could run it the way she wanted to. Her husband was caring and life fell into a routine albeit a happy one. Sometime when the going got rough monetarily , Taramoni would insist on stepping out and finding some sort of work to supplement the houslehold income,her husband would put his foot down, saying he couldn't allow his wife to take on any work outside the household. He would work harder, take on additional work and somehow they would tide over. Three years passed in this matrimonial bliss and Taramoni had now become the mother of a healthy baby boy. Life continued in its usual style till she began noticing her husband spending less and less time at home. And sometime he wouldn't meet her eyes. She feared the worst. She had heard stories of men keeping other women and had seen a lot of men in her village have two wives. She was terrified of this happening to her. She didnt ask him any questions , praying that it was anything but htis and even if it was another woman, he would get over her. He would see how happy she could make him. She well she kept his home, how well she managed thier house with his meagre earnings, how well she took care of him, how well she was raising the child. Had she ever given him any chance to complain, had she ever thrown a tantrum for new saris like shampa , their neighbor . hadn't she taken him to bed and not complained the times he had come home drunk, hadn't she gone without food so that he could have something to eat whenever times were rough. She lived in constant terror of his coming home one day and telling her there was some other woman in his life. she prayed fervently. She prayed to God asking him to make her husband forget any other woman if there was any and stay with her. She could hardly eat anything now a days and wept frequently. Now a days he used to go missing for days on end and she never asked him anything. Till one day he came back home after a week and stood by the doorway. There was relief at having seen him but it soon gave way to fear when she saw he just stood there looking at the floor, he didn't meet her eyes. She said nothing and there was silence for a long time as nobody spoke. Her heart was thudding inside her chest and she could feel a lump rise in her throat. Then he spoke "I married Brinda and I have come to take you away with me, we going bakc to our village". Her worst fears had come true and she felt the room spinning about her. She cluthed the lone chair in the room for some support. She quietened her heart didnt speak for sometime and then finally told him " I will not go". He looked at her incredulously, he obviously didnt believe his ears. He said "What do you mean?, you have no money and there is babai to look after and he is only six months old , how do you think you will manage?" "Just leave" was all she muster for fear of breaking down in front of him. He looked at her for some time tried to make her see reason, said he still cared for her, but she just kept mute. He took one last look at her and then picked up a few of his belongings and walked away. Taramoni told me she hasnt seen him since then. she stepped out, looked for work, found work as a domestic help and raised her son single handedly and it was because she was caryying the stigma of her husband having taken another woman that she never went back to her village to her sister's palce. she said she couldn't have taken all the viallagers gossiping about her husband and didnt want to create any embarassment for her sister even though she knew that her sister would welcome her and her son. Alone in an alien city, with no education , no idea about anything not pertaining to domestic chores, Taramoni set forwrad on her journey to live life, raise her son and do so with pride. It didnt matter she didnt know where she would find work, where she would find the money to educate her son , how she would survive. What she knew for sure was the only way she could live life was on her terms and with dignity. She went to her sister's place though after 10 long years when she thought that now her visit woruld not churn village gossip barrel. Her sister had sent her husband to look for her in the city many times but had not been able to trace her, she was angry that taramoni hadn't come to her in her times of distress but when she saw the look of dtermination in her eyes, she understood and just held her close to her bosom for a long time. Taramoni says there were a lot of difficulties she face all along, often there would be no money for medicines , no money for new clothes , strangers had helped and today her son had completed 10+2 years of schooling and one of her employers had got him a job as a watchman in his factory and he was drawing a salary of 5k per month. Taramoni had built he rown house and was a grandmother now. She still wore sindoor though. I asked why didnt you remarry? she said one marriage was more than enough for me and laughed. I wondered where she kept hidden all that courage, that fierce sense of pride and the limitless grit. I was moved by her attitude towards life and the way she had battled on and won. I knew there is no right way and no wrong way to react to a situation but yes if in your heart you have the conviction of having done the right thing and refuse to look back and carry any regret then that is when you know you have done the right thing. I asked her,"Do you ever think how much eaiser it would have been if you had just gone along with him that day?" she laughed deriridingly and said, " Na choto di, I couldn't have lived with him knowing he had wronged me". There was still that faraway look in her eyes as she said this but I could sense no regret in her voice. there were so many question I wanted to ask her but then my sis called for me, she had finally woken up and I rushed inside to the bedroom.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Rain
It was a cold night and to add to it, it was raining hard. The night was completely dark , the only sounds were those of the rain drops falling or rather lashing on every surface and substance. The ground, the trees, the leaves, the houses, the river. Yes the river. Navya slowly made her way towards the river. It was raining so bad she could hardly see ahead. The rain drops were so big and ferocious , she actually felt them trying to tear into her body and seep into her bones. The rain made her feel very vulnerable and exposed. She kept catching her breath , barefoot, clad in a cotton sari, she could already feel the cold cutting deep inside her. Her tears got mixed in the rain waater and her trembling hands and legs could have been due to the rain, the cold or the turmoil within. She knew after this , there was no looking back. She also knew that she couldn't go bakc, there was no respite in the life she was leaving back and she knew she couldn't be at peace not in this life. She had to face the reality and take stock of things, she would go mad otherwise.
It was clawing at her mind, at her insides, making her hollow inch by inch, eating away at her flesh, she was engrossed in her thoughts she didnt even realise that she was almost at the river side. The mighty river,how many times had she come her during happier times and time swhen she was less disturbed. Everytime the river gave her courage and renewed her, breathed life back into her, but otday she had not come to get a new life. Today she had come to feel the river from its belly cause she believed nothing else could help her from the place where she was now. The rains were still coming down furiously, the dark river also seemd to be getting restless with the constant lashing of the clouds, it rumbled angrily and looked all agitated and showed a turmoil which only Kavya's heart could match and Kavya knew that their union will be the solution to her writhing and it would bring her peace. Fear no terror gripped her heart, a physical terror. she coul dfeel the nails of terror digging into her heart, she started gasping for breath and then befor eshe could fear could paralyse her she broke into a run.
It was clawing at her mind, at her insides, making her hollow inch by inch, eating away at her flesh, she was engrossed in her thoughts she didnt even realise that she was almost at the river side. The mighty river,how many times had she come her during happier times and time swhen she was less disturbed. Everytime the river gave her courage and renewed her, breathed life back into her, but otday she had not come to get a new life. Today she had come to feel the river from its belly cause she believed nothing else could help her from the place where she was now. The rains were still coming down furiously, the dark river also seemd to be getting restless with the constant lashing of the clouds, it rumbled angrily and looked all agitated and showed a turmoil which only Kavya's heart could match and Kavya knew that their union will be the solution to her writhing and it would bring her peace. Fear no terror gripped her heart, a physical terror. she coul dfeel the nails of terror digging into her heart, she started gasping for breath and then befor eshe could fear could paralyse her she broke into a run.
It was a cold night and to add to it, it was raining hard. The night was completely dark , the only sounds were those of the rain drops falling or rather lashing on every surface and substance. The ground, the trees, the leaves, the houses, the river. Yes the river. Navya slowly made her way towards the river. It was raining so bad she could hardly see ahead. The rain drops were so big and ferocious , she actually felt them trying to tear into her body and seep into her bones. The rain made her feel very vulnerable and exposed. She kept catching her breath , barefoot, clad in a cotton sari, she could already feel the cold cutting deep inside her. Her tears got mixed in the rain waater and her trembling hands and legs could have been due to the rain, the cold or the turmoil within. She knew after this , there was no looking back. She also knew that she couldn't go bakc, there was no respite in the life she was leaving back and she knew she couldn't be at peace not in this life. She had to face the reality and take stock of things, she would go mad otherwise.
It was clawing at her mind, at her insides, making her hollow inch by inch, eating away at her flesh, she was engrossed in her thoughts she didnt even realise that she was almost at the river side. The mighty river,how many times had she come her during happier times and time swhen she was less disturbed. Everytime the river gave her courage and renewed her, breathed life back into her, but otday she had not come to get a new life. Today she had come to feel the river from its belly cause she believed nothing else could help her from the place where she was now. The rains were still coming down furiously, the dark river also seemd to be getting restless with the constant lashing of the clouds, it rumbled angrily and looked all agitated and showed a turmoil which only Kavya's heart could match and Kavya knew that their union will be the solution to her writhing and it would bring her peace. Fear no terror gripped her heart, a physical terror. she coul dfeel the nails of terror digging into her heart, she started gasping for breath and then befor eshe could fear could paralyse her she broke into a run.
It was clawing at her mind, at her insides, making her hollow inch by inch, eating away at her flesh, she was engrossed in her thoughts she didnt even realise that she was almost at the river side. The mighty river,how many times had she come her during happier times and time swhen she was less disturbed. Everytime the river gave her courage and renewed her, breathed life back into her, but otday she had not come to get a new life. Today she had come to feel the river from its belly cause she believed nothing else could help her from the place where she was now. The rains were still coming down furiously, the dark river also seemd to be getting restless with the constant lashing of the clouds, it rumbled angrily and looked all agitated and showed a turmoil which only Kavya's heart could match and Kavya knew that their union will be the solution to her writhing and it would bring her peace. Fear no terror gripped her heart, a physical terror. she coul dfeel the nails of terror digging into her heart, she started gasping for breath and then befor eshe could fear could paralyse her she broke into a run.
It's Complicated!
Life really has many layers to it. You can live it on various layers at the same time. you can be on the superficial layer for most of the time , worrying about everyday things, the dul, the boring , the mundane, job, colleagues, ego clashes, work, study, money, status, car, house,health and a hundred of thoer things that cause worry bubbles in that little mind of ours and then there is this layer where you are detached from your own life and are but a mere spectator, when your own life and its problems don't affect you, you feel you are looking in from outside and you can similarly look at others from the top, the ones you admire, the ones you envy, the ones you ignore , and you see everyone is full of some daily life routine and either busy trying to race ahead or seemingly content and happy with life. Then there is the third layer, where-in you try to figure out the bigger picture of life, truing to put together the pieces and see where does it all fit and what does it all mean, why you are where you are, why you do what you do, why whatever happened had to happen, how the past beautifully weaves into the present making way for the future. The next layer is where in the only thing you can think of is LIFE itself, all the questions about the greater existence haunt you, What, Why,How, When, Where?
If so much of thought is going in at each of the stage then that surely is a lot of exercise for the tiny li'l brain cells isn't it.. well then LIFE as we know it is not really a game children play. The least that life can be - is - It's Complicated!
If so much of thought is going in at each of the stage then that surely is a lot of exercise for the tiny li'l brain cells isn't it.. well then LIFE as we know it is not really a game children play. The least that life can be - is - It's Complicated!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Read in Dean Koontz's Book- False Memory
Love was a sacred garment, woven of a fabric so thin that it could not be seen, yet so strong that even mighty death could not tear it, a garment that could not be frayed by use, that brought warmth into what would otherwise be an intolerably cold world-but at times love could also be as heavy as chain mail. Bearing the burden of love, on those occasions when it was a solemn weight, mde it more precious when , in better times, it caught wind in sleeves like wings-and lifted you.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Onwards
Dark is the night
Rough is the way
M alone
And scared
Can’t see what’s ahead
Can’t go back
Fear paralyses me
Fear of what?
The unknown
The unidentified
The nameless
The faceless
I freeze
Can’t move
Close my eyes shut
Reason is absconding
Strength is scarce
Will is feeble
I wish to sleep
I know I can’t
Every cell in my body cries
Not this
Not me
Not now
There are dreams
I have dreamt
Promises
I have made
Places
I want to go
Not me
Not this
Not Now
And so
I wish
I hope
I pray
And
I start bundling up
All the iotas of strength
Will and power
From every square inch of my body
I gather them
I know
The biggest obstacle
Is my fear
And victory lies
In conquering it
And moving forward
Onwards
Into the dark.
Rough is the way
M alone
And scared
Can’t see what’s ahead
Can’t go back
Fear paralyses me
Fear of what?
The unknown
The unidentified
The nameless
The faceless
I freeze
Can’t move
Close my eyes shut
Reason is absconding
Strength is scarce
Will is feeble
I wish to sleep
I know I can’t
Every cell in my body cries
Not this
Not me
Not now
There are dreams
I have dreamt
Promises
I have made
Places
I want to go
Not me
Not this
Not Now
And so
I wish
I hope
I pray
And
I start bundling up
All the iotas of strength
Will and power
From every square inch of my body
I gather them
I know
The biggest obstacle
Is my fear
And victory lies
In conquering it
And moving forward
Onwards
Into the dark.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Letters to a daughter
Ok , so the first thing that you will ask me is daughter???? , who, when , where and how? ;)
Hold on hold on. No daughter, not yet, but someday definitely.
And when she grows up a little is a teenager, a young adult unsure of herself and confused and not too comfortable to talk it out, I want her to know, its completely normal to go through all the feelings that she would. I would want her to know that it is ok to love, to lose, to get hurt, to be pained, to be angry , to be mean, to be selfish, to be confused, to be unsure, to be restless, to be sad, to be deliriously happy for no reason , to sometimes scheme and plot , to stay up all night, to worry, to dream a million dreams , to hope against hope, to wait, to move on. I would want to tell her that separated in time there was a young girl who would soon become her mother, who went through all these emotions and many more. I dont know if this journal will help her find answers to any of her questions but yes I know, that it some way it will give her the comfort that despite all that happens, life still remains beautiful and every bit worth living.
1st July 2006
Ok sweetie, just to get you started on my frame of mind today, I know u know all the mundane details and facts about me. My age for one,( yeah , you are one of the very few people in the world who knows the real number ;))what exactly I was upto at this age , where I lived , what my parents and your grandparents were doing etc etc. I am not going to bore you here with all that. I will rather make an honest attempt to tell you really all that I was upto then that is now. :)
I am still single, and not really ready to mingle, getting all the attention that I really care about, stuck in life over a silly , stupid job , which I really really loathe, dream of escaping to a secret world every night and spend obnoxious hours over the phone every night , on the sly from mom and dad.
Let me introduce you to the prime characters in my life right now, Mom n Dad feature very prominently for the simple reason that I am living with them, My best friend Fenny, yes Fenny Aunty ,(our friendship goes back longer - will tell ya about how it all started ) My super dork boss, few of my disgusting neighbours, and some people in my office, I will introduce you as and when they pop up on the scene.
Enough of the intros dahlin - will fill you in to what exciting happened today- dont get your hopes up, nothing too exciting really happened to your mom :)very frequently.
Day started as usual, somehow dragged myself from bed at 5.30 in the morn, reache dthe local gym by 6. Worked out some, and chatted more with the trainer, poor thing , she really is worried about her marriage. I listen to so many weepy stories all the time , I wonder if I look like an agony aunt or what, why do I attract evrybody to unburden themselves on me. Not that I mind, sometimes its just that I too get very depressed at the end of it all. Well , rushed back home, got redy, helped mom, argued a lil with Tasha (yes we have been arguing since the beginning of time) , managed to dodge Dad's question of" What are you planning to do with your life?" for the nth time this week, and rushed to office, well not before dolling up.
I have sort of really gotten used to being waited for to make an appearance in office . Everybody looks up ,( I am sure I reach just a trifle late ;) ) can spot admiration and longing and yes jealosy too on the faces of my colleagues. gives me the kicks (I told ya m a mean thing).
Nothing much happened in office today except for catching up on gossip about how preetha is actually doint it with her manager for an onsite posting. Yeah as ususal all of us took charge of the moral rights of the world and gossiped and gossiped behind her back and hushed up as soon as she joined us for lunch, well not really hshed up, we kept trying to make insunuations and snide remarks all along. Either she really is beyond it all, focussed on her goal, whatever that is or is the finest actress the world ever saw, hides her disgust really well.
Yes that really is how exciting my life gets in the office.
Reached back home at around 7 and didnt do anything out of the ordinary except catching up with mom , dad and Tash as to what all happened with everybody during the day.
Did get that sms I had been waiting for all along, fellow has an awesome sense of timing.
and now me planning to sleep off, yes right I know u want to know all about the sms dahlin, nut its already 11 and momma is screaming to shut off the lights, tash is up too , will get suspicious if I am up any longer. dont worry sweets, will tell ya the details tomorrow, bye for now.
Hold on hold on. No daughter, not yet, but someday definitely.
And when she grows up a little is a teenager, a young adult unsure of herself and confused and not too comfortable to talk it out, I want her to know, its completely normal to go through all the feelings that she would. I would want her to know that it is ok to love, to lose, to get hurt, to be pained, to be angry , to be mean, to be selfish, to be confused, to be unsure, to be restless, to be sad, to be deliriously happy for no reason , to sometimes scheme and plot , to stay up all night, to worry, to dream a million dreams , to hope against hope, to wait, to move on. I would want to tell her that separated in time there was a young girl who would soon become her mother, who went through all these emotions and many more. I dont know if this journal will help her find answers to any of her questions but yes I know, that it some way it will give her the comfort that despite all that happens, life still remains beautiful and every bit worth living.
1st July 2006
Ok sweetie, just to get you started on my frame of mind today, I know u know all the mundane details and facts about me. My age for one,( yeah , you are one of the very few people in the world who knows the real number ;))what exactly I was upto at this age , where I lived , what my parents and your grandparents were doing etc etc. I am not going to bore you here with all that. I will rather make an honest attempt to tell you really all that I was upto then that is now. :)
I am still single, and not really ready to mingle, getting all the attention that I really care about, stuck in life over a silly , stupid job , which I really really loathe, dream of escaping to a secret world every night and spend obnoxious hours over the phone every night , on the sly from mom and dad.
Let me introduce you to the prime characters in my life right now, Mom n Dad feature very prominently for the simple reason that I am living with them, My best friend Fenny, yes Fenny Aunty ,(our friendship goes back longer - will tell ya about how it all started ) My super dork boss, few of my disgusting neighbours, and some people in my office, I will introduce you as and when they pop up on the scene.
Enough of the intros dahlin - will fill you in to what exciting happened today- dont get your hopes up, nothing too exciting really happened to your mom :)very frequently.
Day started as usual, somehow dragged myself from bed at 5.30 in the morn, reache dthe local gym by 6. Worked out some, and chatted more with the trainer, poor thing , she really is worried about her marriage. I listen to so many weepy stories all the time , I wonder if I look like an agony aunt or what, why do I attract evrybody to unburden themselves on me. Not that I mind, sometimes its just that I too get very depressed at the end of it all. Well , rushed back home, got redy, helped mom, argued a lil with Tasha (yes we have been arguing since the beginning of time) , managed to dodge Dad's question of" What are you planning to do with your life?" for the nth time this week, and rushed to office, well not before dolling up.
I have sort of really gotten used to being waited for to make an appearance in office . Everybody looks up ,( I am sure I reach just a trifle late ;) ) can spot admiration and longing and yes jealosy too on the faces of my colleagues. gives me the kicks (I told ya m a mean thing).
Nothing much happened in office today except for catching up on gossip about how preetha is actually doint it with her manager for an onsite posting. Yeah as ususal all of us took charge of the moral rights of the world and gossiped and gossiped behind her back and hushed up as soon as she joined us for lunch, well not really hshed up, we kept trying to make insunuations and snide remarks all along. Either she really is beyond it all, focussed on her goal, whatever that is or is the finest actress the world ever saw, hides her disgust really well.
Yes that really is how exciting my life gets in the office.
Reached back home at around 7 and didnt do anything out of the ordinary except catching up with mom , dad and Tash as to what all happened with everybody during the day.
Did get that sms I had been waiting for all along, fellow has an awesome sense of timing.
and now me planning to sleep off, yes right I know u want to know all about the sms dahlin, nut its already 11 and momma is screaming to shut off the lights, tash is up too , will get suspicious if I am up any longer. dont worry sweets, will tell ya the details tomorrow, bye for now.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Noises in the dark
I hear noises in the dark,
I get up straining my ears
I try to follow it
only to find that its my lil heart
making woozy noises,
confused noises,
flustered noises,
excited noises,
sad noises
at times pained..
I listen with all attention
Trying to make sense
Trying to understand
What its saying
Where it wants me to go
Where it leads me
I meet with no success
The best it can do is make helpless noises
And I let it be noisy and wild
In the hope that it will find peace somehow
I get up straining my ears
I try to follow it
only to find that its my lil heart
making woozy noises,
confused noises,
flustered noises,
excited noises,
sad noises
at times pained..
I listen with all attention
Trying to make sense
Trying to understand
What its saying
Where it wants me to go
Where it leads me
I meet with no success
The best it can do is make helpless noises
And I let it be noisy and wild
In the hope that it will find peace somehow
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I got a feeling - short story
The sun is hot and scorching outside but within my heart there is darkness, black darkness,is not the type which makes you sad, its the darkness which makes you miserable, which wrenches the heart, which twists it and wrings it till all you want to do is pass on into a state of stupor so you can't feel it anymore. I look at the screen of my laptop and click on the refresh button 50 times in a second. The desperation inside me is seeping out through my fingers, I don't know what I am doing. I keep looking over my cubicle to see if he is coming, I fervently shake my leg, My heart feels sour as in I can taste it in my mouth, there is a sour feeling.Haven't slept a wink in the past 58 hours. Haven't eaten a morsel since lunch day before yesterday. And what did i have for lunch , a spoon of pasta when he said he couldn't take this anymore. He wanted to move out of this relationship. Move out? Is this a cubicle? Is it that easy to move out. How can he even think of such a thing? what have I done to deserve it? I have behaved like a dog, yes a bloody dog, licking his feet for the past seven and a half months. Since the day he walked into this office as a database administrator. what does he think he is? I was the first one to make any attempts at being friendly with him. The rest despised him, because a) he had replaced one of he very popular people around and b)He looked like a freak. He wore a big tilak on his forehead, chewed paan. looked as if he were transported from some village in Betia district directly to this swanky office in Mumbai. What really did he think of himself. I as the project manager gave him social acceptance. I turned a blind eye to all the office rumors, I discarded the advice of friends and well wishers alike, I let my career be ruined because all the while I was concentrating on building his, I let my deadlines slip by because I was busy meeting his. I have slipped from being one of the most valued employees to one of the most useless employees around. If it were not for Sridhar (my boss) I would most definitely have got the boot by now. I know , I have completely destroyed my own image, my personality and all for what? For one slime bag so that he can use me and throw me into the trash bin. Well he is mistaken. If he thinks I can get into the skin of a dog then I can also get into the skin of a fox. If he rolls over me then I will ensure I falls flat on his face breaks at least 2 of his front teeth.
I came into the office today, determined to get over the agony of the last couple of days and if I were to go down into the wells of despair, he will not live happily ever after either.
I waited till Shaila walked into the office. She is the big boss around, the big boss with the big , you know what. I waited till she had her cup of coffee and went through all the mails , that is when I clicked on the sent button. I could see her face from my cubicle. Just then Vilas entered her office and she looked up and they had some discussion, she nodded her head and got back to the computer screen. Yes, now is the time, she will see my mail and open it and she wouldn't like what she saw. She would do what I wanted, wouldn't she, that slutty bitch. No matter how discreet she might have been , I have all seeing eyes, that of an owl, I can see clearly in the night. I am an animal. I can get into any avatar , if and when I want to. If I get into the skin of a harmless rabbit most of the time then that is because , it is the current flavor or maybe because at that moment I have taken a fancy to rabbit meat, that does not in any way mean I am goody two shoes. I laugh to myself. the current flavour most definitely is that of a hyena. I must try out its meat sometime. I see her expression change. She looks consternated. The color has drained out fro her face. She looks around to see if anyone has seen her ans then looks back. Time for the second mail. This should really nail it. I get a feeling as if the hunt has ended, I have drawn blood and the darkness within starts to recede.
I came into the office today, determined to get over the agony of the last couple of days and if I were to go down into the wells of despair, he will not live happily ever after either.
I waited till Shaila walked into the office. She is the big boss around, the big boss with the big , you know what. I waited till she had her cup of coffee and went through all the mails , that is when I clicked on the sent button. I could see her face from my cubicle. Just then Vilas entered her office and she looked up and they had some discussion, she nodded her head and got back to the computer screen. Yes, now is the time, she will see my mail and open it and she wouldn't like what she saw. She would do what I wanted, wouldn't she, that slutty bitch. No matter how discreet she might have been , I have all seeing eyes, that of an owl, I can see clearly in the night. I am an animal. I can get into any avatar , if and when I want to. If I get into the skin of a harmless rabbit most of the time then that is because , it is the current flavor or maybe because at that moment I have taken a fancy to rabbit meat, that does not in any way mean I am goody two shoes. I laugh to myself. the current flavour most definitely is that of a hyena. I must try out its meat sometime. I see her expression change. She looks consternated. The color has drained out fro her face. She looks around to see if anyone has seen her ans then looks back. Time for the second mail. This should really nail it. I get a feeling as if the hunt has ended, I have drawn blood and the darkness within starts to recede.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
You and I
I have nothing to say for this post, except that sometimes when you read the works of someone else you feel, oh , this is a perfect encapsulation of my feelings. And that leads me to believing that really some feelings are not that unique, many many people before me have had to battle with the same emotions that I do and many more after me will do the same. The bodies change, the situations differ, but the feelings and emotions are transient. They just get passed from one era to the other without losing any of their vitality , vigor , color or sting.
Let me present one such poem on longing and all those who have felt it at some point of time or the other in their lives will identify with the poet.
You and I
By Henry Alford
My hand is lonely for your clasping, dear;
My ear is tired waiting for your call.
I want your strength to help, your laugh to cheer;
Heart, soul and senses need you, one and all.
I droop without your full, frank sympathy;
We ought to be together—you and I;
We want each other so, to comprehend
The dream, the hope, things planned, or seen, or wrought.
Companion, comforter and guide and friend,
As much as love asks love, does thought ask thought.
Life is so short, so fast the lone hours fly,
We ought to be together, you and I.
Let me present one such poem on longing and all those who have felt it at some point of time or the other in their lives will identify with the poet.
You and I
By Henry Alford
My hand is lonely for your clasping, dear;
My ear is tired waiting for your call.
I want your strength to help, your laugh to cheer;
Heart, soul and senses need you, one and all.
I droop without your full, frank sympathy;
We ought to be together—you and I;
We want each other so, to comprehend
The dream, the hope, things planned, or seen, or wrought.
Companion, comforter and guide and friend,
As much as love asks love, does thought ask thought.
Life is so short, so fast the lone hours fly,
We ought to be together, you and I.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Movie Review - The Prestige
The Prestige
The protagonists of this movie really are three human emotions- Obsession , jealousy and deceit. The setting is in the end of nineteenth century England but it could have been anywhere and in any profession. When the guiding star of a person's life is to really destroy someone else then no good can ever come out of this. The story is that of intense rivalry between two magicians and how they will go to any extent to go one up on the rival, to the extent of killing one's own self. The emotions dealt with are nothing new, I would think they are the most primal but the use of science fiction in the movie is interesting , even though I would have liked it to be purely a trick of human ingenuity. However , the intensity of the jealousy and the deceit that are depicted are really powerful and are moments when one gets really involved in the story. The parallel tracks running in the movie are beautifully inter-woven. The performances are brilliant. The ending befitting to the characters involved. However the thing that stays with one after the movie is over is the power of the human mind when it is driven by obsession and jealousy. The sheer will power a person can have if all he does it is to destroy someone else, but on the way self destruction too is inevitable. Victory and revenge but at what cost? Sometimes victory doesn't lie in getting back but in letting go but how many of us are really capable of doing that.
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Odd one out - Episode 1
This series is a tribute to the indomitable human spirit. The thing that no one can beat - self- belief. The odds against may be stacked high, the goal may just seem impossible, but if you really think you can do it, then YOU REALLY CAN. :)
I will in this series try and introduce characters who are mavericks,crazy,odd at times a little arrogant but deep inside entirely lovable. Some would be figments of my imagination, some ofcourse would be inspired by all the wonderful men and women I have seen and come across and most importantly admired.
Here is the first of the series , incomplete , will add as and when I get the inspiration , till then bear with me. :)
“Forget it, this is not something you can do, I mean, nothing personal, but seriously, think of it, I don’t think it really can be done, you know, what I mean.” Yes, of course, I do know what you mean, do know what that entire sentence means and that is exactly what I want to hear. I was really beginning to think that maybe I could probably not do it, and this is what would have revived me, recharged me and brought me back into the game. I now knew that not only could this be done but I would be the one to do it. I smiled back at him and said, `Yes, I know, and I agree with you’. He looked a little puzzled, he could see the smile on my face didn’t really go with the words I had just spoken but then that was the agenda. My heartbeat had touched 200pm and I was raring to go. I said I have to go, meeting a friend from school and took his leave.
I will in this series try and introduce characters who are mavericks,crazy,odd at times a little arrogant but deep inside entirely lovable. Some would be figments of my imagination, some ofcourse would be inspired by all the wonderful men and women I have seen and come across and most importantly admired.
Here is the first of the series , incomplete , will add as and when I get the inspiration , till then bear with me. :)
“Forget it, this is not something you can do, I mean, nothing personal, but seriously, think of it, I don’t think it really can be done, you know, what I mean.” Yes, of course, I do know what you mean, do know what that entire sentence means and that is exactly what I want to hear. I was really beginning to think that maybe I could probably not do it, and this is what would have revived me, recharged me and brought me back into the game. I now knew that not only could this be done but I would be the one to do it. I smiled back at him and said, `Yes, I know, and I agree with you’. He looked a little puzzled, he could see the smile on my face didn’t really go with the words I had just spoken but then that was the agenda. My heartbeat had touched 200pm and I was raring to go. I said I have to go, meeting a friend from school and took his leave.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A girl just like you
A+girl+just+like+you.jpg)
A smile like the sunshine
Would fill my heart with light
A dimple on her cheeks
The cheeks would feel so right
A little round head
With long and straight hair
Hair the wind would tease
And make me feel aware
Of my helpless helpless plight
A forehead small and smooth
No worry lines to crowd
Eyes so deep and dark
A window to her soul
A cute bit of nose
Would make me want to bite it off
A little nose so pretty
Couldn’t take my eyes off
A laughter so alive
Just like the spring waterfall
Lips all pink and petals
Like the first bloom of rose
And the words that would fall out of it
Would bring back the peace to my mind
Sweetheart, I hope it answers your question
What sort of girl I would like
One who would enter my life
At the first crack of dawn
Just like the forest dew,
A girl just like you.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Reasons to feel happy today
Everyday when you open the newspaper , there a millions of news articles which are depressing, diappointing or downright disgusting. From amongst this muck , I have decided to look at the pearls strewn in between(I know, being the hopeless optimist hat I am, what else did you expect)
And yes , I do not guarantee that I will continue doing this regularly, just whenever I think I need some signs in the external world to suggest that "ALl is really Well with thw world" or in other words the situation can still be salvaged. :)(The real reason if U know me is that I am downright lazy , not only on my bum but also on my fingers..typing everyday- u gotta be kidding!)
So here goes:
1.India Inc set to witness high level of attrition in 2010: Well they say that if the attrition levels go up the that means people are finding more jobs elsewhere and hopefully better jobs. And considering the fact that I too am on the lookout for something which will help me kill time and also pay for my n + 1 number of bills(books, clothes, accessories, parlor, cosmetics....the list is actually endless) , this piece of nesw makes me very happy :D
2.Orissa Govt to create self-employment opportunities for five lakh youths.
COnsidering that I hail from the stat and have mostly suppressed the little voice in the back of my head which tells me to do something for the place to which I owe my identity. But for the moment I console my mind with news clippings such as these telling it that someday I will make up for lost time. Till then hang on and have faith.
3.And finally the "No kiya" ad of Onida takng a dig at Nokia. Ohh high time these advertisers got htier act together and indulged in some high octane heads-on war. God I so miss the Ocla-Pepsi, ThumsUp -Pepsi , Sprite-7up wars of yesteryears. Someone has to realy fight for me to make merry and morever i believe its when you are out to get somebody that yo really let your best creative juices flow.
So that was the lsit for today.. so long.
Flush
The flush of love is always heady. Intoxicating, beyond reason. Leaves one helpless and feeling foolish. Its when the most resilient of minds gives way to the whims of the heart. Its when the heart's desires are limited to just one or two things, to see the object of affecton or be with the person. When cupid strikes it leaves one totally incapable of anything but desire and longing. Love is the one thing that has survuved centuries and is stil going strong. The one emotion which has been as basic and primitive as hunger, fear, anger ,joy and sorrow.
One of my all time favourites from Shakespeare :
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
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