A Little LessLove Part IV

She trudged back up the stairs after the long day in office. The lift was working alright but she had her new year resolutions to stick to. that to pursue a more active lifestyle. and activity for her had become restricted to taking the stairs wherever she could find them. Trudging up 13 floors were never pleasant and especially not with two heavy bags in both hands. But Shailaja was never one to be bogged down by any physical challenge. or mental or emotional. She was the tough one, the mature one and how proudly she had worn it around her neck till she grew sick off it. so sick she was ashamed of being mature. She was sick of carrying the weight around of being the bigger man every time with every one. Every single time.
She kept the bags to open the door of her apartment when she noticed the door was ajar and there was light coming out. Curiously the alarm bells didn't go off in her head. even before she entered the room she knew it was him. She knew he would be sitting there smoking. and fidgeting and counting the minutes. She had forgotten she had never asked him back for the key after they had stopped talking 6 months back. She had assumed he would lose it somewhere. She walked in and saw him lying on the sofa playing on his phone with his back toward her. He had not changed one single bit from how he had been when they were together. She went back to get the bags and shut the door with a bang. He jumped up from the sofa and looked at her. With same intensity, that mad passion which had driven her crazy. With that need, that searing desire. That hunger which had made her go weak. She was never able to resist his gaze. He had become haggard but he was the same in every other way. Always came to her as if he owned her, as if he had every right on her body. As if this was what they were born to do. To make mad love to each other.
He walked toward her. He came close enough that there bodies were within half an inch of each other. She could smell his perfume. He pulled her hair, hard, so hard it brought tears into her eyes. He looked deep into her eyes and kissed her. The moment his tongue came in contact with hers it sent pleasure waves coursing through her body. It was like getting electric shock. that was the moment she realised she could never resist this man. No matter how he treated her, no matter what he did, she had essentially become a slave for him to claim when he wanted , how he wanted. He wasn't kissing , he was devouring her with a hunger only he knew how to satiate. He tore her shirt and her bra along with it. He pulled down her skirt and her panty along with it. She was standing naked. All creamyand smooth in the soft light. Just like an apparition. too good to be true. Her silky smooth skin and those contours of her body. Every single contour he knew so well. He just stood there looking at her. drinking her through his eye. Up and down. He looked at her like a hungry child looks at candy which is forbidden to him, only this time he knew he would get what was forbidden. He took her there on the floor, the hard wooden floor. He could barely take his clothes off and enter her. He pulled her hands above her head and bit her on her neck. she shrieked out but both of them knew it was going to be brutal. and just the way the two of them liked. Rough, hard and beastly. There was nothing human like in the way they made love when they had unresolved issues between them. It was as if having sex liek animals would solve every other problem they had in their lives. He kept thrusting her, long and hard and she kept shouting and cursing him. It was as if they were battling each other only the weapons were their own genitals. Sh erolled him over and got on top and went at him with a vengeance till she came and he followed her within seconds and they both collapsed on each other exhausted. It was as if teh sex had drawn out all their anger, all the grudge, all the issues they had simmering between them for the last six months

A little Less Love

She woke up wide eyed. As if she had never gone to sleep. As if there had been no interlude between the two stages of consciousness. As if someone had wiped the sleep clean off the plate of her memory. Just like that. She sat on the bed for sometime. Unmoving, Unblinking, maybe Unthinking even. She didn’t know how long she sat there. She knew her mind had arrested her body. It had in the process also fallen prey to its own plans. Her mind too felt arrested. As if her brain cells were afraid to move. To be Active. They collectively stood frozen.

Till Vasu entered the room. Vasu. His entrance jolted her out of the self imposed cell arrest. Vasu. She kept saying the name again and again to herself. Under her breath, slowly muttering it, so slowly that even her own ears couldn’t hear what her lips were uttering. She pulled her lower lip in saying va- and then rolled her tongue in unison with both her upper and lower lip for the su.

He had come into the room looking for his phone. It had been ringing incessantly for sometime she realized now. He would have been as usual out on the terrace smoking. His ultra mild cigarette. He walked like a charging bull. She realized then. He always had. And she was the matador, baiting him, provoking him, playing him, priming him for the kill. The thought made her laugh out. He looked at her while still talking on the phone. Their eyes met. Hers drinking in every little nuance of his and his unseeing everything about her.

And that is how it had always been. She read him like an open book. She knew him so well, she could even sense what would be in store for him. He would ask her for advice about everything and her advice never failed him, not even once.

She could read him now as well. He was talking to his mom. And was clearly not comfortable having this discussion. She was sure his mom was discussing marriage with him. She knew his mother was trying to get him married off. He was getting fidgety and angling for a way out of the conversation. And very soon he would, he would tell his mom someone was at the door and that he would call her back. His mom would no doubt see through it and still go on. Then finally he would kick the table, tell her he stumbled and disconnect. And she knew this self infliction of pain during his mother’s calls were a clear signal to her about the literal effect of her choice of conversation. But his mom refused to read any signal she didn’t like. Like mother like son, she guessed.

 The entire scene played out just the way she had envisaged and then he looked up at her again. This time he held her gaze. He walked towards her and sat down beside her on the bed. She was sitting straight. Her legs folded under her chin and her arms around her legs.

He bent on the bed and kissed her waist.  She knew what he wanted. She could read all his touches. This one meant sex. Sometimes she felt angry at herself for knowing him so well, so intimately. Sometimes she wished she were as unseeing as he was. But then that was not her only wish as far as he was concerned.

He pulled at her hair. Forcibly. Till she came down on the bed. The love making was quick and soundless, like it had always been in the mornings, when he had been hurried and she too sleepy to care.

He got up and went out for a light again.

She lay there thinking how life had gotten them both there. Two individuals so different from each other, they could have well been from different planets.

Her thoughts went back to the day they had first met.

He looked into her eyes. He had always liked looking into them, whenever he got the chance. It was not as if she didn’t let him, it was just that she was very shy, terribly shy. He would coax her for hours to let him look into his eyes for a minute. And then she would. Like she always did. He always won with her. She could never resist him. She, of the iron will, just melted whenever he was around. She had weathered a lot of storms in life. She said that's what had made her strong. He said, I don’t think so. You were not meant to be strong. God didn’t create you that way. He created you with a soft core and then he sent me take care of you. To guard you, shield you, hold you close and tight. Hold you in my arms and look into your eyes.

He held her close that night. He looked into her eyes. It had again taken coaxing since the morning for her to finally agree to meet him in the evening, after work and let him look into her yes.

He had parked the car under the streetlight, two lanes away from her house. The yellow light cast a warm glow on her face. It made her look breathtakingly beautiful. But then he never looked at her face. He looked into her eyes. They always looked like pools of a thousand myriad whirring emotions. But today was different; He could see that something was amiss. That her eyes had one predominant emotion, which drowned out all the rest of them. And what killed him was he didn’t know what it was. Or maybe he did and he didn’t want to face it. It was in that very moment, he could actually feel his heart turn into a deadweight. He could feel it turning into a drowning mass of stone. He could feel it choking him. He could feel life slipping out of his lungs. He started grasping for air. She sat there paralyzed. She just kept looking at him. It was guilt now. He saw it. And he knew the time had come for him to die. The time when all he had ever dreamt of, all the dreams he had ever seen, the very reason of his existence would come crashing down and would take him down with them. He kept looking into her eyes still, it was the last thing he wanted to d before he closed his. And then he smiled. After all, this is how he wanted to die, looking into her eyes.

They doubted then

They doubt now

I guess they always will

I couldn’t explain then

I can’t now

Why I Love you

And Love you still

There were times

I called it a mistake

There were times

I tried

To move out

Tried I say

Coz every time I tried

I failed

I kept coming back

Coming back to You

They said We

We were not meant to be

They said We

We will never last

They said this

And they said that

But here we are

Holding to each other

Tight and fast

We have lasted

We have been together

Through ecstasy and hell

Through laughter

And Misery

Through Doubts

And Faith

And to this Faith

I bow today

And say a prayer

To have you with me

Till time’s end

Till the end of forever.

I dream of..

I dream of blue skies
clear and bright
vanilla clouds
lazing around
I dream of a spring
bubling with life
laughing with abandon
yonder, below the rainbow
I dream of a warm hearth
filled with joy and laughter
I dream of a garden
wild roses abloom
I dream of a winter afternoon
warm and delicious
I dream of your head on my lap
and mine on yours
forever...

The saga continues...

There have been so many times, I have thought that this is seriously not going to work out. At times I feel I am just letting myself into something which does not have equal involvement from both the sides. I have felt the stakes on my side to be higher. Then I have tried to consciously bring myself back from that state and into neutral ground where an impending break up wouldn't crush me. Maybe I have been too scared to bare my heart and put it at someone else's mercy. So despite all the vehement opposition from my heart I have done what I could to protect it. To save it from misery. And moreso when I was so highly unsure of what this meant to her. Whether this really meant anything to her more than a casual fling. And all these times when I have felt that she probably couldn't care less, she has done something to prove me wrong and put my fears to rest and make me go nuts about her again.
After a brief interlude of 5 months I had to pack my bags and shift base to Hyderabad. The last few days were terribly crazy with lots of loose ends to tie up. I got busy with the boring chores and tasks and hardly had nay time to dwell on the separation and what this meant for our relationship. However on my last day surprisingly I had finished packing and had an evening to myself. That was when I started thinking that she had been so apathetic for the past few days. The more I thought of it, the more I got convinced that maybe moving out of town was a good idea. Maybe putting physical space between us is the right thing to do, maybe this is the beginning of the end. I agreed when a friend of mine asked me out for dinner. I went along. I had a nice time. It was an evening well spent and by the time I was ready to come back home, my mind was totally off her. And that is when it happened. When we stepped out of the restaurant, we were greeted by wet streets and a jolly good shower. I had never before been drenched in rain, having been scared of it since my childhood. Numerous times friends had tried to trick me into walking into a drizzle or a douwnpour but I had always managed to escape. No matter what people said about it being fun, I held my ground. But today since I had to get back early as I had an early morning flight to catch and none of us had an umbrella, so I thought what the heck, let's brave it. We started walking in the downpour, getting drennched and surprisingly it felt nice. Refreshing and alive. It was like a treat after the sultry day. And that is when I realised that this is what Mumbai does, springs surprises on you. And yes I knew she was thinking of me. Just when I had started to distance myself from her, she went ahead and literally soaked me again in her spunk.Took away one of my worst fears and turned it into a fun experience for me. I couldn't help but realising that this was nowhere near its end, this was just another one of our sparrings with a delightful ending and no matter what, we were still a pair, Mumbai and I.

Just Another Love Story

The first time I saw her, I fell in love or at least I thought I did. I was with her for three days, three whole mad days. Three days in which she had touched me in a way no one before ever had. Three days when she had taken me into her stride and accepted me as her own and shown me how big her heart really was. Three days were all it took for me to form a romantic image about her in my heart, give her a high pedestal, think of her as the flawless goddess only love laden eyes can see. Everything about her I found fascinating. I found the beat of her heart exciting. I found a nervous energy about her which fascinated me. Most of all I think I was head over heel about her spirit and her spunk. I had heard a lot about her, even read quite a bit, but nothing could describe how effortlessly and in how short a time she had captured my heart, made me her slave. Some had said she was ugly outside, maybe I had seen her inner beauty, but frankly, I didn’t care. When I left her that night to catch my flight back home, I made a solemn promise to myself that I will come back no matter what and claim you to be my own. Needless to say the dalliance started occupying less and less mindspace as time passed but in my heart’s canvas she remain etched like the way I had first seen her, gorgeous. And most importantly like the honorable lover I had not forgotten my promise. I came across others too during those years after meeting her, and I must say that I did like one of them enough to want to stay for a little longer than I usually did but somehow none of them seemed to be the same as my secret sweetheart. I still got to hear about her from friends, acquaintances and every time I heard, there was a funny feeling in my heart. Destiny had brought us together for those three days in May 2007 and I trusted destiny to find a way to quench the longing of my besotted heart. And this time destiny didn’t disappoint me. After three years destiny threw me a gauntlet and dared me to take it up. In these last three years a lot of water had passed under the bridge and a lot of things had changed. I was apprehensive, anxious and scared even, what if she was just a dream. What if she was only ordinary and the flush of young love had deified her in my eyes. What if? There were a million of these ifs which clouded my mind but despite all the ifs I still looked forward to meet her. Eagerly, expectantly. Those dreams of idle Sunday mornings and busy Tuesday evenings came back and danced in front of my eyes. I felt like a teenager again. I went about my work with twice the usual grit to take my mind off her and slowly the days rolled by till the day I had marked in my calendar arrived. I was fidgety and restless that day. I had funny feeling not only in my heart but also in my tummy, in my throat, everywhere. I couldn’t wait for the few hours to pass when I would see her again. The hours went by painfully and I finally set eyes on her again.
I couldn’t understand at first what I was feeling. I was confused. I was finding it hard to believe my own feelings. There was none of that elation, that ecstasy that I had expected. There was a nothingness at first and then finally a feeling of disappointment set in. I was disappointed with myself. I was disappointed that I didn’t feel the same. I found it beyond comprehension that the world of perfect romance I had built in my mind around her had come to this. I felt nothing of all that I had felt all those years ago. I was no longer fascinated by all those things which had made me romanticize my feelings for her in my mind during those three years when I had lived away from her. This was my perfect love story coming to a disappointing end. Now that the veil of romance had mysteriously been lifted, I could really see her for what she was. All her flaws now got magnified in front of my eyes. I could see that she was old, grimy, loud and ugly. All of a sudden all of this overpowered me and I felt totally dejected and lost. I tried hard to get along with life as it were but it was getting more and more difficult with my dream world having recently crumbled around me. I no longer knew what to perceive of things, what to believe, and now a days I was finding it very difficult to trust my feelings.
But one thing was getting clear to me as the days were passing by; my dislike for her was increasing by the day. And the current situation was getting more uncomfortable for me with each passing day. I had to do something. I had to release myself from the web my own mind had spun. I had to release myself and find peace again. Friends were curious, family was concerned and I was well, dejected, disappointed and confused, all at the same time.
Life never stops. Hearts break, illusions shatter, the world may come crumbling down around you, but life goes on. And as they say time is the best healer. No my heart here had not been exactly broken; the romantic in me had taken a beating at the turn of events. The cynic had started to slowly raise its head and I was not happy with any of these developments.
As the days passed one of my friends came visiting me. I was excited about his visit, Vishal was one of my closest buddies and I was looking forward to his visit. I tried to wrap up my work and keep my weekend as free as possible, given that I had to work on Saturdays and having started living alone, the best part of my Sunday went in numerous household chores, the bonds of domesticity are not only mundane but also very time consuming. The week whizzed by and finally I met him on Saturday. He was very excited at meeting me and when we sat down with steaming hot cups of chai and vada pav at the neighborhood eatery, he told me this was doubly exciting for him as he too would get to finally see what the fuss I had created all those years back was about. I looked at him and smiled. I was in a bright mood today and didn’t want to get into the saga of my disillusionment and also I wanted him to form his opinion without any help from me.
We decided to go around the city in the evening. Our first stop was Juhu, followed by Bandstand. The two places he was the most excited about seeing. We took a long time leaving my pad, as it happens; old friends catching up after a long time lose track of time and both of us being the quintessential chatterboxes. We reached Juhu around 9pm and sat down by the sea and talked some more, about how life had shaped up since we last met. How innocent were the dreams we had once seen and how we had traversed along the way. All this while we had a constant companion, the ever present and ever restless vast expanse of emotions, the Arabian Sea. It was in a very joyous mood today or so I thought. It kept hungrily lapping up. As if it wanted to come rushing to meet its long lost friend. It had the enthusiasm of a six year old rushing to get its new toy. Something about its relentlessness, the sound of mirth in its waves and the hungry passion to live life rubbed onto me. I was fascinated by its never ceasing activity and its verve. I felt drawn towards it. I wanted to lie down and listen to all the stories it carried in its heart. Listen to all that it wanted to say and more importantly let it into the inner precincts of my private world. It seemed as if it badly wanted to come in and stay for good. As if it wanted to tell me, let me in and we will explore a wonderful journey together. I was snapped out of my reverie by a shove from Vishal, he was miffed at me having lapsed into another world of my own. We got up, it was pretty late in the night, almost nearing 1am. We looked around, there were not many people about, but the beach was still brightly lit and the sea had crept up a considerable distance. Naughty and boisterous. Laughing and mocking us in a childlike playful way.
We took an auto back. The roads were crowded even at this time of the night. Filled with gaiety and life. People went about their lives, living it. My friend kept saying how lively is this city, does it ever get tired of being so alive all the time? I looked at him and mulled over his question, did it get tired? I don’t know but it strangely quieted my nerves a lot that time.
The next day after a lazy day at home we ventured to bandstand towards late afternoon. Vishal was as usual jumping up and down with joy at finally getting a chance to steal a look at Shahrukh’s bunglow. If he had looked that sincerely for nirvana I think he would have found it. It was my first time at bandstand too. The rocks were slippery and very timidly we started inching closer towards the sea one slippery rock at a time. I was still afraid of going any further, the same naughty and childlike sea seemed very mature and powerful today. It was not trying to creep up, it was beating against the rocks with the all its pride and haughtiness. Just then I saw a group of small boys playing at the very edge of the rocky bed. They must have been around 10-11 years of age. There were three of them, I could make out they had to work to earn their bread and were not amongst the privileged few for whom the biggest worry in childhood was class work and not an empty stomach. One of them took out a small wad of notes, 1 rupee, 10 rupee notes and put it inside a polythene wrapper and gave it to his friend. Then he went about getting splashed in the waves. He welcomed it with gay abandon that only a young mind of 10 is capable of. Soon his friend who looked to be a little less adventurous than him also joined him and they got engaged in a play of venturing out onto the sea, getting drenched by the waves, falling down and then getting up again. It was as if the mighty sea was humoring these little kids with fun and frolic to ease their daily drudgery. I had been observing them for quite some time and had not realized that a smile was playing on my lips. The timid kid looked back at me, smiled and patted the stone right next to where he was now sitting, right at the mouth of the sea. He could sense I was scared and he held my gaze with that smile. I do not know what happened then, whether I gave in to my impulse, the call of the child or the pull of the mighty sea, I marched right ahead, forgot about my fear of water and sat beside those kids and just then a huge wave came crashing down. Before the impact of what I had done sank in, I suddenly realized that Mumbai indeed had that spirit and that recklessness and that hunger for life and that fearlessness to face life’s challenges no matter what shape and size they came in. That was when I knew, my instincts about her had never been wrong. She had captured my heart when all those years ago I had come to stay in Mumbai for three days and had fallen hopelessly and madly in love with her. My disillusionment with her was not because she was not beautiful; my disillusionment was because I was not willing to take the pain to look beyond the obvious.
That was the instant when I had that tingling feeling one has at the onset of a romantic relationship. I knew it would have its share of problems , I knew there would be times when I would be angry with her, frustrated, think it was all a mistake, cry myself to sleep at night. But I also knew that this was the beginning of a love affair that would last a life time. A beautiful journey we would take together. Mumbai and I.