As the New Year draws near, its time to take stock of the year gone by, reminisce the memories, look back with fondness at some and not so much at the others.

While we think and bid adieu to a year which was packed with 12 months of our life, we also look ahead for the one coming soon and usher it in with hope, anticipation and dreams. The places we want to see, the things we want to buy, the heights we want to scale and the time we want to spend with loved ones. Every single person has some plan or the other lined up for the new year. While resolutions are the much hyped, much abused and much clichéd to-do things for a new year, fact is in some secret corner of our heart we still make those futile attempts at drawing up that Fancy “New Year’s Resolution” and then sincerely believe this is the year I am going to turn things around.

Well I am no different , or as I like to call myself, I am a hopelessly optimistic person.

But then as the practical side, (the fledgling part of me with a very feeble voice) takes over, my New Year Resolution this year looks less like a personal development Plan and more like a doable and realistic list with more emphasis on the experiences of life rather than the PDP or material pleasures.

And while I was in the process of doing the same, I decided to do something different this year. And what possibly could I do differently? I asked myself.

Well of late I have been questioning mortality and the existence of life, trying to look for a deeper meaning of life beyond the every day mundaneness. So I asked myself, what if the world were really coming to an end in 2012, what if 2012 were really my last year on planet earth in this avatar, what would I do then, would I still be interested in learning French as a language(had been on my New Year’s Resolution for quite a while)? Will I still want to do more of Yoga and meditation on a daily basis or would I just want to eat, drink and make merry till the sun or the moon shines.

This aspect of a finality to the things I could and could not do made me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life and I was surprised to see what the end list really looked like.

Thanks to my surprise(pleasant and otherwise) the list had sent me into a cycle of introspection and while I deal with my demons (and angels) it appears I will take a little more time to scrub and polish my list of New Year’s Resolution 2012.

In the meantime I would love to hear what resolutions are creeping up my friends’ lists.

They doubted then

They doubt now

I guess they always will

I couldn’t explain then

I can’t now

Why I Love you

And Love you still

There were times

I called it a mistake

There were times

I tried

To move out

Tried I say

Coz every time I tried

I failed

I kept coming back

Coming back to You

They said We

We were not meant to be

They said We

We will never last

They said this

And they said that

But here we are

Holding to each other

Tight and fast

We have lasted

We have been together

Through ecstasy and hell

Through laughter

And Misery

Through Doubts

And Faith

And to this Faith

I bow today

And say a prayer

To have you with me

Till time’s end

Till the end of forever.

Forever and For Always Part-II
First posted on FB on May 11, 2011

When he woke up the next day his head felt as if his head weighed 20 pounds. There was a throbbing pain. He felt sick in the stomach. He was lying sprawled on the floor on his back. He couldn’t move his body. He just lay there staring at the ceiling. Thinking about his life. All the images flashed by. Only they were not images of his life, they were images of his life when they intersected with her life. He knew the sole responsibility for his state today and his life was he himself. He had known it from the very beginning. Right from the day when she had started dating other guys in school, when she had been out for the first time in freshman year. He knew it all because she had said so any times, in front of her friends, his friends, their friends, in front of him, on his face. She had said she couldn’t do without him. She did love him, but not like that, never like that. She could never love him like that. He had known it to be true. That little voice in his head, which said no, she will love you one day, one day she will come to you, coz she is meant to be with you. One day she will realize that. She will realize that she was meant to be with him. And on that day she would also know what it felt like to not be loved back. How unrequited love destroyed you, killed you. Bit by little bit. How it sucked your life out. And to do that he would wait. Endure the pain. Nurture that voice to give him hope. And watch his own life waste in of front of him.




That day he had decided he would wait even if it took an eternity. He listened to that little voice intently and soothed it, calmed it. Quietened it. So as not to make it hoarse. And he had waited. Through everything. Her numerous boyfriends, her two marriages, a kid. He had waited patiently through everything. And he knew he would wait through Aamir too. He had to. She needed to know what happens when the only person you care about will not be around Forever and for Always. Wouldn’t love you back. Wouldn’t be there for you Forever and for Always.



It had been two years since the day she had come to him and told him about Aamir. Two long



Years. He had waited. He hadn’t chaged his address, his phone number. He even tried to look just the way he had that day. Two day stubble, scraggy clothes, unkempt hair. He wanted to be everything just the way she had left it. The house, the street, the phone number, him. He had tried to freeze everything in time. And he been successful at it. He didn’t drink. He didn’t smoke. All he did was write to her letters he never posted. And ofcourse read her old letters, signed like they were “Yours Forever and for Always”.



Today when he woke up in the morning that little voice had told him, today is the day, you will have to wait no more. He didn’t feel excited, not happy either, he just felt relief. A sense of finally coming close to what one had set for a lifetime back.



He didn’t go to work, he diligently set about checking if everything was in order. He wanted everything to be perfect, frozen in time. Evening came but he was still not ruffled, or restless. Infact he was strangely calm. He knew exactly how the evening would be played out. The doorbell rang. Just the way she always rang it. Incessasntly. He knew her so well, insde out, he could know her coming from miles. There she was. She looked just the way she always had, stunning in her beauty, even in her current state. Weater beaten,tired, tanned, but beautiful never the less. She didn’t say anything, not in the beginning at least. She just hugged him and cried. It had not worked out with Aamir. They had been together only for about 6 months. The split had been ugly. She had tried to take care of things by herself. Bring up her child alone. And that is when she realized how much she missed him and loved him, like that. She knew now that they had always been meant to be together. She realized what a fool she had been not having seen them for what they were , the two people who would be the happiest with each other. And all along she had run after other people who had meant nothing. She kept crying as she said all this and she didn’t doubt for a moment that he would accept he, she was almost too sure that he would be over the moon. And yes he was. His plan was working out perfectly. Her son was with her mom. He served her dinner, her favourite, lemon rice with besan pakoras. They talked some more, about a life shared in pieces. She then sat right next to him. And then they made love, on the couch, silently, but in perfect harmony. She fell asleep soon after. Her face had a contentment he had never seen before mirrored by the contentment he felt in his soul. He carried her to bed. She was sound asleep. She always slept like a baby. He took out her all her letters he had preserved, took all her things he had kept , preserved, loved. He set them all to fire. He went about everything carefully and meticulously. He destroyed all eveidence of his ever having known her , loved her.



He then went to the bathroom. Finally , after all these years he had finally found the guts, the courage within himself to cut his wrist. When she woke up she would know what it felt like to love someone and know they will not be around, that they are gone, Forever and for Always.

Forever and For Always Part-I
First posted on FB on May 11, 2011

He looked out the window of his room. It overlooked the driveway to his building. He didn’t know what he was waiting for. Somewhere in his heart he knew she wasn’t coming back. She wouldn’t . She was gone this time. Gone for good. Gone for forever. Forever and always. Just the way she signed all her letters to him. Forever and for always. He remembered the first letter she had ever written to him. 21 years back. She was nine then. A month older than him. She had signed it




“Yours



Forever and for Always.”



He didn’t know what it meant then but he had liked it a lot. He couldn’t understand why he was so thrilled. He had read it a 100 times by the next day. And million more times over the years. It had got so crumpled and worn out that he had got it scanned and taken printouts of it to keep in his wallet. Every time it got too badly damaged with use he used another copy. No one knew about it ofcourse. Not even her. He knew what her reaction would have been though. She would have laughed hysterically on his face and he would never have heard the end of it. She would have called him what she always did. “Hopeless”. He smiled to himself. He took the original letter out of his closet. He had got it laminated when he had turned 18.Funny how he remembered all the events related to her so vividly. The rest of his life had just gone by in a blur.



Her first letter had been followed by a many more. Her letters were always a scribble as if she was in a terrific hurry to finish. She was the prettiest girl in class. He, the shy, awkward geeky kid. He had been too shy to write back or even acknowledge her. This had gone on for a whole year , when finally one day she had walked upto him when he was alone in the corridor and asked him to wait for him after school. That day after school she had kissed him. His first kiss and also his last. He had spent his entire lifetime in the memory of that kiss. It was as if she had cast a spell on him. Enslaved him. He had become her loyal slave after that. He did everything for her. Followed her everywhere. They became good friends, and slowly she grew out of her infatuation for him. He could still see that night when they had just finished their first term exams in ninth grade and she had told him about her latest crush. The guy from the 10th grade. He had felt numb at first and then as if his heart would stop beating any minute. He had come back home and his knees were still trembling. He had tried to cut his wrist but had only managed a slight cut. He had tried that every night for the next three months, unsuccessfully though. Till the night she had told him she had seen him with another girl and had cried her heart out, on his shoulder. He had held her close and smiled. That night he had gone back home and slept soundly. The first time in three months.



This had become the pattern of his life. His friends had warned him. Enough number of times. They said she was manipulative, selfish, self absorbed. She didn’t care for him. He knew they were telling the truth. That was why he had distanced himself from them. All of them . One by one. He didn’t need to hear the truth. He knew it already. He needed to nurture the little stupid voice in his head that said She was meant to be with him. Always and forever. He had screwed up his grades. A seat in IIT to study Art in her college. Just so that he could be close to her. He had gone abroad after her when she went to pursue her masters. He had been with her through everything, boyfriends, break-ups, two marriages, a kid. All the while secretly nurturing his dream. The one she had started. Always and forever.



But tonight when she had come to him he knew things would never be the same after this ever again. She had hugged him tight. His head was starting to swim now. Maybe the pills were taking their effect. He knew the clock was ticking. She had said she as leaving the country with Aamir, her latest boyfriend, He had even accepted her kid. She would be changing her religion. She didn’t tell him where she was going coz she said Aamir didn’t like her being friends with him. She had a faraway look in her eyes. He held her close, smelt her hair and said goodbye. She walked out of his house in a hurry. He went staright to his desk and wrote a lettr to her saying how much she meant him, something which he had never been able to do. He signed it,



“Yours



Forever and for Always.”



He knew he couldn’t cut himself.Not even to shorten his own misery. He still didn’t have the guts. So, he just sat back and closed his eyes, waiting for the blackness to envelop him Forever and for Always.

The Coconut Water Man Part - II
First Published on FB on May 13, 2011

12th October




Guess What? He was there today too. The cocnut water man. Both Reema and I were trying not to look at him , not into his eye specially, but I Stole a glance and I saw him looking at Reema. He looks so like Ravan, I swear. Mother promise. I told bou about it. Bou said don’t look at him, get down from the bus and walk straight back home. And stick with Reema. I don’t understand why I have to stick to Reema. She should stick to me. I am taller, stronger and also very brave, just like baba. When Baba came back from work we played carom, baba lost to me baba always does that, he will just knowingly lose to me, but I was very happy never the less. Baba was very happy with me I got highest marks in 4 out of 5 subjects and guess wat, now the other girls have also started being friendly with me. I am the star, Twinkle star like baba calls me. I wrote a letter to bhaina, he never replies he is soo busy in studies, he is studying in IIT na, slogging day and night, serves him right, hardly used to study when he was home. Would tease me all the time and still get 1st rank. Sadu, total sadu.



13th October



Today while returning, Mihika also walked back with us, with me and Reema. She lives 2 blocks down and usually gets down at the next stop, but she got down with us, trying to get close to me I suppose. Like I don’t know that she is also sadu. Made her carry my water bottle hee hee. The cocnut water man was there today too and kept staring at Reema with those small , tiny eyes of his. I think his eyes are like those of a fish. I went to Reema’s house to play in the eve and we talked about the coconut water man. She said she found him ok, not bad or anything. I told her she must be mad, he is to pakka rakshasa. Anyways Reema has got lots and lots of toys but aunty looked a bit strange to me. Strange as in, u know, looked very grumpy, didn’t talk to me, Reema also didn’t introduce. Her dad doesn’t live with them, there was another uncle at their house, thin, very thin, with no hair, I didn’t like him much either. I came back soon, bou had made manda pithas today. Some osa or the other, bou is to forever keeping some fast, doing some puja. Baba doesn’t do all this. He does puja in the morning and bas that’s it. I like it , too many pujas, too much headache, oh ear god don’t be angry on me, I like doing puja, but I am so small no, so that’s why, dnt make me fail in the exams please please please.



15th October



It was a fun Sunday, read the two Nanacy drew books I had burrowed from Mihika. Lazed a lot, ate mutton curry, bou’s Sunday special , watched tv and now sleeping, zzzz



18th October



Mihika is so much fun, she has got so many cool things. We hang out together all the time in school, and while walking back from bus also , we were chattering so much. Reema has grown even quieter now a days, I wonder why. Today she even stopped at the coconut water man’s trolley. I walked back and tried to pull her away but she asked me to go away, she pushed me off, she shouted at me to go talk to Mihika, she said go to your new friend , don’t bother about me. I was so mad at her, I shouted back , saying I was a fool to bother about her , since no one ever did are for her, not even her own father. He started crying, but I was so mad, I stomped off. I told bou, bou was very angry with me, bou said I must say sorry to her. But why should I say sorry, she pushed me, she should say sorry, but bou says I must say sorry to her tomorrow. I told bou I will but I won’t.



23rd October



Mihika is not coming to school, coz she has jaundice, but I have lots of other friends to hang out with. Reema though keeps to herself. I didn’t say sorry, she came to me once to say sorry , I looked the other way and didn’t talk to her. I will never talk to her. She pushed me. How dare she do that. Now a days, she talks to the cocnut water man every day. He smiles at her showing his black teeth. I still try not to look into his eyes, I don’t believe sakhi but why to take a risk. I look at them from a distance. I hate That coconut water man, I hate Reema, I hate everybody.



25th October



I am so scared my hands are still trembling. I can’t tell this to anyone, not to bou, not to baba, not to Bhaina. Today while walking back from the bus stop, I saw Reema talking to the cocnut water man and handing him something, he glanced around and I walked fast, but as soon as I turned the corner, I hid behind the wall and looked at them. He was there with a friend, a short man in a yellow shirt and black pants, brown hair and black teeth like the cocnut water man. The three were talking and after some time the short man took Reema’s hand and he pulled her with him, Reema tried to pull back, but then he put a hand on her mouth and dragged her away. There was no one around. I was so scared I just stood there. Motionless. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think. All I wanted that time was not to catch the cocnut waterman’s eye. After some time he started moving away along with his trolley. I ran as fast as I could, I didn’t stop till I reached home. Bou asked me what happened, I said I saw a snake. In the eve Reema’s mother called up our place. She talked to bou, bou asked me if Reema had walked back wth me, I said I don’t know. I got down from the bus first and saw a snake so came running to home as fast as I could.



28thOctober



The police had come yesterday. They asked me questions, I just said I saw nothing, I ran back home from the bus stop.



31st October



They did not find Reema, no trace of her anywhere. The coconut water man still comes. Bou and baba were discussing it must be him, the police had arrested him, but let him off due to lack of evidence or something.



15th November







Today we had arts class, how I hate arts. I had a drawing Reema had once made for me and I submitted that, I got an A. I am the most popular girl in class now, I get As in everything. Waise they still haven’t found Reema and now the coconut water man has also stopped coming. Waise, it was all Reema’s fault. She should have never looked into his eyes in the first place.







22

The Cocunut Water man Part - I
First published on Facebook on
May 12, 2011


26th September 1995




Dear Diary,



I am so excited today, I turned 10. I didn’t have a big party like last year. You know we have just moved in to this locality, new school, I haven’t made that many friends as yet. I had worn my new dress to school. Bou had given me chocolate éclairs to give to We had a small party at home. Baba, bol and I. Bou had made all my favorite dishes. Luchi, alu dam au chena rabri. It was so tasty. Bou gave me a little doll, I have named her Dolly. Bou said that was a cute name, Baba just smiled. Baba gave me you. Journal. He said I had become a big girl and deserved a grown up gift. He said I could write anything to you, all my thoughts, my plans, my daily activities, anything. I think I am really proud of myself, Baba gave bhaina his first diary when he was 12. So that means something. Waise, Bhaina sent me a biiiig card and lots of chocolates, I had told him I wanted a pink princess dress just like the one Soni has, but that is just like him. He is total sadu. Will never get me what I want. Well don’t be too disappointed if I don’t write much, I will try to. You know I have a lot of catching up to do at school. I have joined late and First term is next week. Acha bye bye and good nite, I am very tired now and also sleepy. Tomorrow is Wednesday and We have Arts class, Ohh how I hate it.



27th September



Today was a bad day at school, I as usual made the worst drawing. I was so bored. I don’t like drawing at all. I like singing much better. I wish they could let me swap my arts class with music. But Reema is so good at drawing. She also helped me. None of the girls, speak to me much. They all have their groups. First day only Sangeeta asked me which group you want to join. I like a stupid fool said I want to be friends with everyone , she laughed at my face. And now I have no friends L. But Reema seemed nice. I think she too is not part of any group. She does hang out with Meera and gang but most of the time she is alone. I don’t like being alone but I don’t want to be friends wth those girls either,I hate them all. Baba says I must make should take the initiative. Well if baba says then it must be right. I miss my old school and my friends. I think I will go write a letter to Lucy, My best friend. Bye



28th September



Our maid, sakhi, is a total mad. She will say the most weirdest things. Bou to even believes her. Bou says village folk have their own beliefs and we must respect that. Baba says the cure to all her nut talk is education. Today she said her son was ill because he has caught the evil eye. I laughed on her face and bou pinched me in the hand. It hurt. It is still red, well not red but definitely pink. Ok ok bye.







6th October



Yippee yippe yay. First term exams got over today. But no break. Monday se back to school. But atleast today Bou won’t be after my life to study. Today I can just read my story books, Watch tv, Baba might even take me out tonight. I love when exams get over.la la la .



9th October



Dear Diary,



Looks as if I might finally be making one friend. Today Reema and I shared our lunch boxes. And we walked back together from school. She lives in the same neighborhood as I do. She is quite nice. A little quiet but. Not a chatterbox like me. I noticed someone on the way back though. There was a man selling coconut water at the turn of our lane. I don’t like the way he looks. He is very dark. Has a thin moustache. I hate moustache. It only looks good on baba. Well He looked like Ravana. I said that and Reema just giggled. Well I hope he goes away from our lane.



11th October



Dear Diary,



I didn’t go to school today coz I had a bad tummy ache in the morning, actually the truth is I didn’t go coz today Teacher had said she would announce maths results. I was just so nervous. I know my paper was good but I was just very nervous. And today our maid Sakhi again said the most weirdest thing ever. She was saying things to bou and I overheard. Actually I had gone to the kitchen to have something to eat and Bou hushed her up and shooed me away. So I just came out of the kitchen and stood there with my ear pressed to the wall. She was saying that the man was a demon. He used to come to this locality two years back . Two kids had gone missing then and never been found. The police had arrested him but he was released soon. Sakhi was saying ask baby not ot look into his eyes ever, he will cast an evil spell on her and then she will disappear too. Bou was just listening to her quietly saying haan , hmm every now and then. I got scared a little and ran off to my room. Reema called in the evening. She said I had got highest marks in maths. I was sooo happy. J J. I told her about what sakhi had said about the coconut water man. She said he had been there today also. We both decided not to look at him tomorrow on our way back from school.

I have realised that since the time I have taken to writing fiction , most of my entries are on my FB account. I am making a conscious effort to gather all my work at one place and hence posting some of the pieces i wrote and publishedon FB earlier. The first one is "The Wait" posted on FB on 26th July 2011


I stand at the doorstep looking out, waiting. Anxiously. Patiently. I look at the sky. I get restless. So I look at it some more. I can hear the wind, feel it too, though it does not blow. It stands still or tries to, on one leg. Like its teasing me, tempting me, mocking me. I still wait. I look at the neighbor’s door. I hear him coughing. I count the particles of dust floating in the air, listless, restless. They mirror my soul. I laugh out loud. LOL. It’s funny. Me, the sky, the wait and you. Who would have thought. I stand there rooted to the spot, glued in. You finally come out and see me. Our eyes lock. Now my eyes too are stuck to the place where yours were a moment ago. You, but you walk the other way. You keep walking. You walk the whole street. You slowly turn the corner. And you never once look back. Back at me.




.

Trials and Tribulations of an ordinary girl in an extraordinary world

As I sit in front of the TV watching a movie where-in a girl catches bullets fired at her with her hands and that too mind you with her eyes closed, I cannot help but wonder what are hapless ordinary women like me supposed to do who cannot catch a football thrown at them at .5m/s speed and that too mind you with two hands, two legs and eyes wide open. Sigh.. This is a chronicle of people for whom getting by daily and mundane days in life also poses big challenges.

Like for instance today, it was a routine lunch that that millions of people out on work grab at restaurants/food courts across the world. I too walked into one. And this particular food court had a card system, wherein you buy a card for x amount of money and then pay with your card at the different counters rather than with money. Well I seriously feel allowing people to pay with money is so much better and customer friendly (but more on that another day). So I walk with a swagger get a card, happily but myself food and eat it without much relish(given that my guilt is overworking overtime, I am not supposed to eat outside given that I have almost successfully ruined my liver). I then move quickly out to a store nearby to pick some stuff up which is when I realize that I forgot to return my card and get the balance money back. I run lugging along my , by this time, huge shopping bags, and reach the food court, huffing and puffing and start raising a ruckus about my stolen card. I send all of the staff into a tizzy, from the person at the counter who served me the food , to the Assistant manager F&B , to the security guards, to the people who are now sitting at the table which I had occupied when I lost my precious card. All the while the staff were going around sincerely trying to look for my card,  I stood there looking at each and every person like a detective would look at probable murder suspects and swearing under my breath , you will never get away with doing evil to a good soul.  After a considerable ruckus was raised and no card was found the manager tried to pacify me saying, he would give me a call as soon as he found the card as he couldn’t do anything without the card. I left the place but not before calling friends and family and telling them of my misfortune and also ruing the end of innocence err rather honesty. I finished my days work with a heavy heart and a lighter wallet.  In the evening, still in a victim mode I enter my apartment and dump my bag first thing and fish out my spare mobile phone to check for calls and no sooner I pull it out of its cover then plok, falls the much missed Card from the food court. Frankly,   I have never been more disappointed before at finding a lost item ever in my life. I mop a little more, my folly having replaced my victimhood as the centre of attention. And to rub salt over my musings about my almost delirious mind, I see the superwoman now flying through air killing baddies (The only thing I can kill with that much elan would probably be mosquitoes) and hum to myself an old hindi song…” tune kaheko duniya banayi “