A Little LessLove Part IV

She trudged back up the stairs after the long day in office. The lift was working alright but she had her new year resolutions to stick to. that to pursue a more active lifestyle. and activity for her had become restricted to taking the stairs wherever she could find them. Trudging up 13 floors were never pleasant and especially not with two heavy bags in both hands. But Shailaja was never one to be bogged down by any physical challenge. or mental or emotional. She was the tough one, the mature one and how proudly she had worn it around her neck till she grew sick off it. so sick she was ashamed of being mature. She was sick of carrying the weight around of being the bigger man every time with every one. Every single time.
She kept the bags to open the door of her apartment when she noticed the door was ajar and there was light coming out. Curiously the alarm bells didn't go off in her head. even before she entered the room she knew it was him. She knew he would be sitting there smoking. and fidgeting and counting the minutes. She had forgotten she had never asked him back for the key after they had stopped talking 6 months back. She had assumed he would lose it somewhere. She walked in and saw him lying on the sofa playing on his phone with his back toward her. He had not changed one single bit from how he had been when they were together. She went back to get the bags and shut the door with a bang. He jumped up from the sofa and looked at her. With same intensity, that mad passion which had driven her crazy. With that need, that searing desire. That hunger which had made her go weak. She was never able to resist his gaze. He had become haggard but he was the same in every other way. Always came to her as if he owned her, as if he had every right on her body. As if this was what they were born to do. To make mad love to each other.
He walked toward her. He came close enough that there bodies were within half an inch of each other. She could smell his perfume. He pulled her hair, hard, so hard it brought tears into her eyes. He looked deep into her eyes and kissed her. The moment his tongue came in contact with hers it sent pleasure waves coursing through her body. It was like getting electric shock. that was the moment she realised she could never resist this man. No matter how he treated her, no matter what he did, she had essentially become a slave for him to claim when he wanted , how he wanted. He wasn't kissing , he was devouring her with a hunger only he knew how to satiate. He tore her shirt and her bra along with it. He pulled down her skirt and her panty along with it. She was standing naked. All creamyand smooth in the soft light. Just like an apparition. too good to be true. Her silky smooth skin and those contours of her body. Every single contour he knew so well. He just stood there looking at her. drinking her through his eye. Up and down. He looked at her like a hungry child looks at candy which is forbidden to him, only this time he knew he would get what was forbidden. He took her there on the floor, the hard wooden floor. He could barely take his clothes off and enter her. He pulled her hands above her head and bit her on her neck. she shrieked out but both of them knew it was going to be brutal. and just the way the two of them liked. Rough, hard and beastly. There was nothing human like in the way they made love when they had unresolved issues between them. It was as if having sex liek animals would solve every other problem they had in their lives. He kept thrusting her, long and hard and she kept shouting and cursing him. It was as if they were battling each other only the weapons were their own genitals. Sh erolled him over and got on top and went at him with a vengeance till she came and he followed her within seconds and they both collapsed on each other exhausted. It was as if teh sex had drawn out all their anger, all the grudge, all the issues they had simmering between them for the last six months

Dirty Little Scoundrel

The heart wants what the heart wants, sometimes with rhyme and sometimes without any. 
The heart is a fool and also a buffoon, A rogue at times and at others downright scoundrel. But what can you possibly do about it. For all the times the heart has turned roguish and made life miserable, you can only sit and count the seconds, the long lasting seconds. The ones which just tick by and roll into newer seconds of the same type. Wretched and miserable.
and unbearably painful.
And pray and cry and cry and pray and maybe cry some more.
Wretched and miserable

A little Less Love Part - III

She was jolted back to the present when Vasu landed on the bed with a thud. He folded his hands beneath his head and stared at the ceiling fan. This had been one of his favorite past time in the last six months. She knew he was going through each and every moment of his life frame by frame,  since the time he met Upasana till the time they parted, in his mind. It was amazing how he could just play it like a movie and pause, rewind, forward at will. He had vividly described it to her atleast two dozen times. She turned her face and looked down at him, his ruffled hair, his unwashed face, his wiry and lanky body. He wasn’t wearing a thread on his body. He had jokingly told her once he hated everything that was against nature, that wasn’t natural and true and so hated clothes. He didn’t let her wear any he was around her in her house either. She kept a bathrobe ready to attend all the unwanted calls and home deliveries of food. She looked at his drawn face and she knew he was thinking of the ugly part of his relationship with Upasana. The part which had torn him apart. The part which had overnight robbed him of his innocence and maturity. She knew how his expressions would change here on. She knew it was very painful for him relieving all those moments and she wished he didn't do that. But he said he couldn’t control it. It was part of his life he could never change. She lied down sideways with her hand supporting her head on her elbow and stroked his arms with the other hand.

He lay still as if he couldn’t feel her. She slowly nuzzled her nose in his ears and she could feel his skin tingle. He turned to look at her. She could see the pain in his eyes. It pierced right through her.  Some little part inside her always singed when he looked at her this way. She wished she could take his pain away, make it disappear without a trace like it had never been there. Go up like a puff of smoke and leave everything behind just the way it was when it had first descended. She tried to take it away temporarily, she justified it to herself, at least for sometime she could occupy some part of his mind so that it didn't hurt him so much. She did the only thing she knew would provide a temporary succor to his wounds.

She knew it was dressing the surface of the wound when the gash ran deep inside and was festering all the while. But she thought to her self, however temporarily it still did make him hers in that one moment.

She kissed him. He didn't kiss back but she knew he would eventually; all the pain would slowly give way to his primal urges.

She kissed him deeply and so deep she felt her soul connect to his. For her this was the ultimate surrender, the ultimate love and the moment when her soul flowed down to meet his and merge into a single entity.

She loved the way he made love to her when he was so pained. It was beautiful. Maybe it was the pain which made his so desperate to claim her in bed, to prove he was a man, he owned her. He was brutal and wild and frenzied.  Sometimes she thought it was good that he was in pain. That pain made him a beautiful lover  but then immediately she felt guilty for getting joy out of his misery.

She tried to come back to the moment. She tried to be in the here and the now and savor the moment and not let her mind make her forget to enjoy the sensations her body wanted her to enjoy.

When it finally happened, he cried. He kissed her on the mouth over and over and kept saying, don’t leave me ever shelly, I love you, don’t ever leave me Shelly, I love you.

She knew deep down this was a reaction to all the overload of emotions his brain was going through and not really what he felt deep down. She turned her face away at the thought.

But it pained her so much that she liked to believe that in this moment he truly belonged to her and none else and in her heart she knew she could spend a whole year in the wilderness for this moment with him.

Here in his arms with him crying, I love you.

She turned his face towards him and with all the passion in her heart she kissed him. 

Songs I love!

Ok so this is one post Which I will keep updating regularly(hopefully!)

Adding the first one here

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yjbg_Rfka58

Little Less Love Part II

She had met him at her best friend’s marriage. Upasana’s marriage.

Upasana’s marriage had come as a surprise to her. Upasana had never been the marrying kind. Or at least that’s what Shailaja had believed of her. They had been very thick form the start. One of the few female friends Shailaja had had. Somehow Shailaja never had too many girlfriends, but the few that she had she was very close to them.  Upasana had been one of those, they had come close in school and had managed to salvage their friendship through two decades and across continents for most of the time. They had a lot of stuff common but on very fundamental issues they were poles apart. Upasana was the glamorous, garrulous one. She was the one who would always be the center of attention at any social gathering. At the forefront of everything in life. Though she had been confused about a lot of things in life, she had always been clear of one thing though that the men in her  life would serve only one purpose, to sexually gratify her. She was not looking for emotional or financial support from any man. She had learnt her lessons from her mother’s life. Her father had been a serial alduterer , a philanderer. The nights she had seen her mother lie awake all night for her father who never came. She could hear her mother crying from her bedroom not that her mother made any attempt to hide it from her only daughter. Upasana had hated her mother for being such a wimp. For not fighting with her dad, for being such a push over and mostly for putting up with all the crap her dad gave her. Her mother was a beauty and she came from a very rich family. Her dad had very humble background compared to that of her mother and was the one who had chased her mother like a man on a mission and finally got her strict father to say yes to the marriage. Upasana’s mother had fallen badly for him and that had been the bane of her life. She had lost her heart and so also her dignity. Her life had been a series of never ending nights of wait, when her husband came home in the wee hours and sometimes not at all. She had borne it all silently. Upasana hadn’t ever understood her mother’s behavior. It was only later when she grew up to understand her mother better that she realized her mother had been a victim of a devious, wicked and hopeless love for her husband from which she never quite recovered her entire life.

And Shailaja had known all this about her friend. Shailaja hadn’t really liked Upasana in their first meeting in school. She had found her very loud. And had taken an instant dislike to her, it was only later she had discovered that the loud voice and the high pitched laughter were all a façade, a defense mechanism. They had come close slowly and steadily. And her friendship with Upasana was one of the touchstones of Shailaja’s life.

And from all these years of meaningless flings, one after the other in quick succession, Shailaja had come to accept that her friend was emotionally incapable of having any relationship that went beyond sex and for a period longer than 6 weeks at a stretch. Yeah 6 weeks had been a personal record for Upasana.

So when Upasana called her up two weeks back saying that she was getting married, Shailaja had refused to believe her. She was sure it was a prank or some silly joke Upasana found hilarious. It took Upasana quite some time to finally convince Shailaja that she was tying the knot, that too with a guy and for real. It had all happened too soon and she would fill her in on all the details when they caught up for the wedding. Shailaja had been barely able to make it to Upasana’s wedding. She was in US at that time and in the middle of her all critical project delivery and had lied through her teeth to get her boss to agree to let her go to India for a week.

She had reached Delhi at 2am in the night and had taken a cab at 5am the very next morning to Jaipur to attend Upasana’s mehndi.

She had been standing in the hotel lobby waiting for the receptionist to sort out the formalities when she noticed this guy walking upto the reception, charging like a bull. She thought this guy probably evolved overnight from a bull to a man so he had yet to refine his walk and chuckled to herself. He was lanky and dark. He came upto the reception and asked for a spare key for his room. He introduced himself as Vasu in room 203, right next to 202, the one she had just been given. As she began to lift her bag, Upasana breezed into the lobby shrieking at the top of her voice when she saw Shailaja. She ran towards her , gave her a big squeeze and then said, Shelly Now that you have finally had a chance to see my groom-to-be what do you think of him, the love of my life, My Vasu?”

A little Less Love

She woke up wide eyed. As if she had never gone to sleep. As if there had been no interlude between the two stages of consciousness. As if someone had wiped the sleep clean off the plate of her memory. Just like that. She sat on the bed for sometime. Unmoving, Unblinking, maybe Unthinking even. She didn’t know how long she sat there. She knew her mind had arrested her body. It had in the process also fallen prey to its own plans. Her mind too felt arrested. As if her brain cells were afraid to move. To be Active. They collectively stood frozen.

Till Vasu entered the room. Vasu. His entrance jolted her out of the self imposed cell arrest. Vasu. She kept saying the name again and again to herself. Under her breath, slowly muttering it, so slowly that even her own ears couldn’t hear what her lips were uttering. She pulled her lower lip in saying va- and then rolled her tongue in unison with both her upper and lower lip for the su.

He had come into the room looking for his phone. It had been ringing incessantly for sometime she realized now. He would have been as usual out on the terrace smoking. His ultra mild cigarette. He walked like a charging bull. She realized then. He always had. And she was the matador, baiting him, provoking him, playing him, priming him for the kill. The thought made her laugh out. He looked at her while still talking on the phone. Their eyes met. Hers drinking in every little nuance of his and his unseeing everything about her.

And that is how it had always been. She read him like an open book. She knew him so well, she could even sense what would be in store for him. He would ask her for advice about everything and her advice never failed him, not even once.

She could read him now as well. He was talking to his mom. And was clearly not comfortable having this discussion. She was sure his mom was discussing marriage with him. She knew his mother was trying to get him married off. He was getting fidgety and angling for a way out of the conversation. And very soon he would, he would tell his mom someone was at the door and that he would call her back. His mom would no doubt see through it and still go on. Then finally he would kick the table, tell her he stumbled and disconnect. And she knew this self infliction of pain during his mother’s calls were a clear signal to her about the literal effect of her choice of conversation. But his mom refused to read any signal she didn’t like. Like mother like son, she guessed.

 The entire scene played out just the way she had envisaged and then he looked up at her again. This time he held her gaze. He walked towards her and sat down beside her on the bed. She was sitting straight. Her legs folded under her chin and her arms around her legs.

He bent on the bed and kissed her waist.  She knew what he wanted. She could read all his touches. This one meant sex. Sometimes she felt angry at herself for knowing him so well, so intimately. Sometimes she wished she were as unseeing as he was. But then that was not her only wish as far as he was concerned.

He pulled at her hair. Forcibly. Till she came down on the bed. The love making was quick and soundless, like it had always been in the mornings, when he had been hurried and she too sleepy to care.

He got up and went out for a light again.

She lay there thinking how life had gotten them both there. Two individuals so different from each other, they could have well been from different planets.

Her thoughts went back to the day they had first met.

"If the Universe had any decent management, We'd get a full refund if We weren't completely satisfied" - Calvin & Hobbes

Floating on Nothingness

Floating on nothingness

In the middle of the day

Floating out of my body

Nothing that holds me down

Nothing that keeps me sane

Nothing that is worth my while

Nothing that holds my interest

I see the world around me

People busy with banalities

People existing in meaninglessness

I see everything around me

And I ask myself

What is the point

Where are we headed

Where are we going

What is the meaning of it all?

And the only answer I get is

Silence…..

Stark and deep

Resonant and willful

Lonely and empty

And I get back to it again

Floating on nothingness…